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HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



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VOLUME VI 
The Drama League Series of Plays 



HER HUSBAND'S 
WIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts 
Ai^F^THOMAS 



WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY 

WALTER PRICE ARD EATON 




GARDEN CITY NEW YORK 

DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY 
1914 






.a 'A 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BY THE JOHN W. RtJMSEY PLAY CO. 

Copyright, 1908, by 
A. E. THOMAS 



In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading 
public only, and no performances of it may be given. 
Any piracy or infringement will be prosecuted in accord- 
ance with the penalties provided by the United States 
Statutes : — 

Sec. 4966. — Any person publicly performing or representing: 
any dramatic or musical composition, for which copyright has 
been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of the said 
dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs or assigns, shall 
be liable for damages therefor, such damages in all cases to be 
assessed at such' sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the 
first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to 
the Court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance 
and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or per- 
sons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction be 
imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year, — U.S. Revised 
Statutes, Title 60, Chap. 3. 



MAY 26 191'"^ 



D 37190 



INTRODUCTION 

It is never safe to take a serious man too seriously 
— nor a humorist too lightly. Most of the " serious " 
dramas of the hour are probably of less consequence 
than we sometimes, in our enthusiasm, suppose, and 
the more sprightly plays, even the farces, are often of 
considerably greater. Glancing back, for instance, 
over the past decade or two in the American theatre, 
the memory of many an ambitious and portentously 
solemn drama is, at best, but hazy, while our recol- 
lection of "The College Widow," racy with its pic- 
ture of life in a "fresh water" college, of certain 
comedies by Clyde Fitch, with their brisk etchings of 
urban butterflies, of some first act by George Cohan, 
lifted from the corner of Forty-second Street and 
Broadway, remains vivid and undimmed. The 
humorist (always excepting Mr. Shaw!) is seldom 
concerned with propaganda, nor burdened with 
a "message." He has more time to give to his 
story for the story's sake, and he is frequently a 

[v] 



INTRODUCTION 



closer observer of individual types and eccentricities, 
of the play of character upon character, of the 
humors of the times, which are its manners. The 
public preference for comedy in the theatre is not 
wholly due to a distaste for high seriousness; in part 
at least it is due to the fact that the writers of com- 
edy produce, on the whole, better and more vivid 
plays. 

"Her Husband's Wife" offers, perhaps, a case in 
point. Though it was written solely to be acted, 
with no thought of the printed page in mind, it has 
survived to be printed by virtue of its dramatic 
integrity. Frankly a whimsical farce, an "enter- 
tainment" in the most popular sense, individualizing 
observation, unforced humor, kindly feeling, a sense 
for style, preserve it for our more careful attention. 
It survives because it is a good play. 

A. E. Thomas, the author, was born in the Berk- 
shire Hills of Massachusetts, and was graduated 
from Brown University with the class of 1894. The 
following year he was an instructor in English at 
Brown, while securing his Master's degree. He then 
took up newspaper work in New York City, laboring 
in that interesting if not always remunerative vine- 
yard for fifteen years before "Her Husband's Wife," 
[vi] 



INTRODUCTION 



his first play to reach the professional stage, was pro- 
duced. To be a reporter for fifteen years is to see 
much. To be a reporter for fifteen years and emerge 
uncynical and serene, however, is something of an 
accomplishment. To emerge, furthermore, with a 
sense for style still keen, and an undimmed zest for 
invention, is almost worthy of Peter Pan. Mr. 
Thomas thus emerged with "Her Husband's Wife" 
in his pocket. 

The play was accepted by Henry Miller, who pro- 
duced it at the Broad Street Theatre, Philadelphia, 
on February 14, 1910, with the following cast: 



John Belden 
Richard Belden 
Stuart Randoph 
Irene Randolph 
Emily Ladew 
Maid 



Arthur Lewis 

Orme Caldara 

. Robert Warrick 

Laura Hope Crews 

Grace EUiston 

Nelly Roland 



Rewritten slightly to make more prominent the 
part of Uncle John, and to introduce a new character, 
the Baroness von Marcken, as a foil to John, it was 
brought to the Garrick Theatre, New York, on 
May 9th of the same year, with Mr. Miller himself 
f vii 1 



INTRODUCTION 



playing John, and Mabel Burt the Baroness. It ran 
in New York, first at the Garrick and then at the 
Criterion Theatre, until the July heat closed the 
playhouses. There was a subsequent autumn season 
on the road. The piece has been frequently acteci in 
stock, ever since that time, and on at least one 
occasion by amateurs (the Comedy Club of New 
York) and promises to continue to be so acted. 

The original version of "Her Husband's Wife" is 
the one printed here. 

The reader will of course discover in the quaint 
character of Irene the source of the play's chief 
charm. Just what we mean by style in a drama is 
not always easy to say — certainly less easy than when 
we are dealing with the printed essay or novel. It is 
a fusion of many elements, of which mere language 
is perhaps the least important, though it has its 
place. But when we are considering a farce, a play 
in which the sequence of comic incident, the merry 
tangling of plot, determines the type, we may declare 
that style is or is not present according to the meas- 
ure of humanity imparted to the characters, the 
amount of interest awakened in the people who 
figure in the incidents, the wit, delicacy, sprightliness 
of their speech; as well, of course, as according to the 
[ viii ] 



INTRODUCTION 



good taste and psychological value of these incidents 
themselves. Therefore, it is hard to say whether 
"The Taming of the Shrew" should be called a farce, 
so far toward comedy does its characterization lift it. 
And when we contemplate this quaint little hypo- 
chondriac, Irene, with her unknown ailments and 
mystic pills, especially as she was depicted by that 
capital comedienne, Laura Hope Crews, we are again 
hard put to say by just how much "Her Husband's 
Wife" misses comedy. Surely the interest is as 
great in the complications and final change in Irene's 
character as in the complications of the story; and 
that is due to the skill of the characterization, the 
humanity of the tale, the delicacy and sprightliness 
of the dialogue, far removed from the tone of door- 
slamming farce — in short, to the style. 

Perhaps, as Mr. Walkley has somewhere said, we 
are giving up our old distinctions of comedy, tragedy, 
farce, and melodrama. Nowadays, we simply have 
plays. It is only natural that the closer the stage 
comes to life, the better our technique is fitted to 
create the illusion of reality, the less likely we are to 
write stage works set in a hard mould. Life is not so 
set, not even the quietest and most uneventful. Still, 
the old distinctions persist, and, like all tags, they 
lixl 



INTRODUCTION 



are found useful — and, like all tags, they are abused. 
Our instinct is to catalogue "Her Husband's Wife'* 
as a farce; and yet, when we think of Irene, we dis- 
trust the term. Perhaps a more non-committal 
course is best. Gentle Reader — a good play ! 

Walter Prichard Eaton. 



i^^j 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 
Sitt 1 



CHARACTERS 



Stuart Randolph 
Richard Belden 
John Belden . . 



A good-looking young husband. 

His brother-in-law. 

The genial uncle of Irene and 

Richard 
Wife of Stuart. 
Her friend. 
Nora An elderly maid-servant. 

Place: Saratoga. 

All three acts take place in the drawing-room of 
the Randolphs during the racing season at the Spa. 



Irene Randolph 
Emily Ladew . 



ACT I 

Scene: The drawing-room of the Randolph home, 
A door at L. 1 E. and another at L. 3 E. At R, 
1 E. is a door, not used, in which is set a large plate- 
glass mirror. The entrance from the hall is an arch- 
way in the rear, right-hand corner. At the rear L. of 
C.y are French windows, standing wide open and 
giving upon a comfortable veranda leading out to a 
lawn, beyond which is a spacious glimpse of culti- 
vated landscape. A cuckoo clock hangs on the wall 
at rear. There is a grand piano in the rear, right-hand 
corner; upon it stands a silver frame holding a 
photograph of Stuart Belden. A small bench backs up 
against the piano. At L. C. is a table; against this, 
facing the audience, is backed a low, backless settee 
long enough to seat three persons. Chairs are at rear 
andR. and L. of the table. The curtains are of chintz. 
The floor is of hardwood covered with a handsome 
Persian rug. As the time is summer the decora- 
tions should avoid heaviness. An electric chandelier 
[3] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



hangs C. and well down. An electric switch at 
rear C. controls the chandelier. Fir epicure and mantel 
at L. between the two doors. 

Time: Early afternoon of a warm, sunny August day. 

At Rise : Dick enters through centre windows at hack 
from right, crosses to table left upper y mixes highhally 
drinks. Enter Nora through arch with candlesticks. 

Dick. Good afternoon, Nora. 

Nora. Good afternoon, Mr. Richard. 

Dick. Where is everybody? 

Nora. Oh! Everybody is every where, sir. Mrs. 
Randolph is in her room. The household expected 
you back last night, sir. 

Dick [Placing his hat on piano]. Yes, but things 
were doing. Has Mr. Belden arrived? 

Nora. Oh, yes, sir, yesterday. I believe he has 
gone for a walk with Mr. Randolph. 

Dick. What is he like, a sort of an old bear? I 
haven't seen him in years and years. 

Nora. No, not exactly. He's not exactly old, 
and he's anything but a bear. 

Dick. Is everybody well? 

Nora. Yes, sir — excepting 

[4] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Dick. Excepting whom? 

Nora. Mrs. Randolph, sir. She's not quite her- 
self. 

Dick. Yes; I've noticed that for some time. You 
know, Mr. Stuart got an idea the salt air didn't agree 
with her — that is why we came here this summer in- 
stead of going to Bar Harbor. 
Nora. Yes, sir, I know. 

Dick. Suits me all right with my taste for the 
ponies, but it's knocked Stuart's yachting plans in 
the head. I must say he's been bully about it; not 
many men would do as much. 

Nora. Ah, well, he adores her, you know, sir. 

Dick. Yes, I know. Well [Gets hat from 

piano.] I've got to run over to the hotel a moment. 
If he comes in tell him I'll be right back. You know 
I've got a horse in Champlain stakes this afternoon 
— looks like a good thing, too. / 
Nora. I'll tell him. 

[Dick goes out through the French windows. 
Enter Mr. Belden and Stuart through the 
arch — Stuart very warm, fanning himself 
with his hat; Belden quite cooL Stuart 
sits on settee.] 
Uncle J. Well, Nora, here we are again. 
[5] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Nora. I see you are, sir. 

Stuart. I say, you hit up a terrible pace. I 
haven't walked that much in years. Do you do 
much of that sort of thing out on the coast? 

Uncle J. Ask Nora; she ought to remember. 

Stuart. Because, if you do, I'll stay in the East. 

Uncle J. Nonsense; a bit of a stroll. 

Stuart. Bit of a stroll ! Do you know we walked 
six miles? 

Uncle J. Nonsense. Now to-morrow, Stuart, 
you and I will take a real walk. 

Stuart. This will do me for a while. 

Nora. By the way, sir, Mr. Richard is back. 
Said he'd return in a few moments to go to the races. 

Stuart [Turning to Belden]. Yes, I know; he 
thinks Huckleberry's going to win for a change. 

Uncle J. What do you think? 

Stuart. Oh, I don't know much about horses. 
I like to see them run — makes a pretty sight — but ^ 
give me yachting for mine. A wet sheet and a 
flowing sea, as the poet says. Wow! I'm warm in 
these clothes. You'll have to excuse me till I put on 
some others. 

Uncle J. My dear boy! Now, after I've had 

you in training for a fortnight 

[61 



/i-r 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



[Enter Nora L. 1 E. with a small silver tray 
with a bottle of green mediciney half glass 
watery spoon, small glass.] 
Hush, here's Nora. 

Nora. Your medicine, ma'am. 
Irene. Thank you. 

[Cuckoo appears from clock and calls tioice.] 
Nora, you've brought the green bottle. Now you 
know this is the hour for the red one. 

Nora. I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm color blind. 
Irene. Then you must put the labels on them. 
On this one place a label reading "this is green" 
and on the other a label reading " this is red." You 
can read, I suppose? 

Nora. Oh, yes, ma'am — print. 
Irene. Well, print the labels, then. 
Nora. Excuse me, ma'am, but I only said I could 
read print, not print print. 

Irene. For goodness sake, go get the bottle, and 
I'll print the labels for you. 
Nora. Very well, ma'am, thank you, ma'am. 
[Exits L. 1 E.y leaving tray on table. Irene 
crosses L. in front of table to settee and sits.\ 
Uncle. But, my dear child, what on earth are you 
doctoring for.^ 

[15 1 



/ 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. I don't know. 

Uncle. You don't know! Then why are you 
doctoring? 

Irene. Because I'm ill. 

Uncle [Sits beside Irene]. 111? You don't say 
so. What's the matter with you? 

Irene. I don't know. 

Uncle. You don't know? 

Irene. That's the worst of it. Nobody knows. 

Uncle. Don't the doctors know? 

Irene. No, I've had six, and what do you think? 

Uncle. Well, what do I think? 

Irene. Not one of them can find out. They all 
say there is nothing the matter with me. 

Uncle. You don't say so! 

Irene. But that is just to conceal their ignor- 
ance. 

Uncle. But, my dear child, when doctors 
agree 

Irene. But I have something here — [pressing 
hand to her heart] — which tells me 

Uncle [Imitating her gesture]. Something here, eh? 
Don't believe it. It's lied to me a hundred times. 

Irene. Dear Uncle John, I'm so glad you've 

come. I wanted to see you again before 

[16] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Before when, my dear? 

Irene [Rising]. Uncle John, I shan't be with 
you long. 

Uncle. Eh! Going away? 

Irene. Yes — yes — to that land from whose 
bourne no traveller ever yet returned. 

Uncle [Rises]. You don't mean 

Irene. Yes, I do. 

Uncle. Nonsense ! I never saw you looking better. 

Irene. I have a presentiment. Both papa and 
mamma died young, and I know that I shall, too, 
and soon. 

Uncle. But, my dear child, your father and 
mother were drowned in a yachting accident. 

Irene. You see it's in the family. We're a short- 
lived race. [Uncle J. turns away with an exclama- 
tion of impatience.] I feared you wouldn't under- 
stand. I wouldn't have told you at all — only — 
only 

Uncle. Only what? 

Irene [Sits at R. of table]. Only I'm so dis- 
tressed 

Uncle. Where, where, my dear child? 

Irene. Oh, not about myself. It's about dear 
Stuart. 

[171 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Oh, Stuart. Doesn't he know what's the 
matter with him, either? 

Irene. I mean about what will become of him 
when I am gone. 

Uncle. Humph ! 

[Enter Nora f win L. 1 E., hands Irene four- 
ounce vial of red medicine. Irene busies 
herself pouring a few drops from bottle into 
spoon and then into glass of water.] 

Uncle. I suppose one of these doctors who 
doesn't know what ails you is prescribing some drug 
of whose effect he is equally unaware.^ 

Irene. This isn't a doctor's prescription. 

Uncle. What is it then? 

Irene. I don't know. 

Uncle. Oh, of course! 

Irene. It was recommended to me by an in- 
timate friend. 

Uncle. Is she taking it? 

Irene. Oh, yes. 

Uncle. Does she know what ails her? 

Irene. No, so I suppose that it is the same com- 
plaint that I am suffering from. [Drinks.] 

Uncle. Well, does it do her any good? 

Irene. No. 

fl8l 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



[Nora exits with tray into the hall. 

Uncle. Then why are you taking the damned — 
I beg your pardon — I — I mean — what are you taking 
it for? 

Irene. Why, Uncle John, you must see that 
it wouldn't be right for me to give up life without 
a struggle. I know it's no use, but I must do what 
I can. 

Uncle. Well, of all the infernal rot! 

Irene. Uncle John 

Uncle. Well? 

Irene. Please come here. [She sits at R. in front 
of the piano and he joins her there.] I want to talk to 
you about Stuart. 

Uncle. But 

Irene. Please, please, I must confide in you, for 

I may want your help, you see I shouldn't 

mind dying so much if I were sure there would be 
somebody to look after him. 

Uncle. He isn't a baby. 

Irene. Ah, you don't know how dependent he is 
upon me. Ever since we were married I have done 
so many little things for him. He would be quite 
lost without me. 

Uncle. No doubt, no doubt. 
[19] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. I'm always at breakfast with him. I 
know just how many lumps of sugar he wants in his 
coffee, just how long he wants his eggs boiled, and I 
always sit up for him when he's out late. 

Uncle. You're quite sure he likes that? 

Irene. I'm quite sure it's good for him ! 

Uncle. Then, of course, he doesn't like it. 

Irene. And I always put the studs in his shirts, 
and lay out his fresh linen — and throw away his 
collars. 

Uncle. That is an attention. 

Irene. When they get frayed, I mean, and the 
servants too 

Uncle. I thought he engaged the servants, him- 
self. In fact, he told me so. 

Irene. Yes — [rising proudly] — ^but I discharge 
them ! 

Uncle. You're a brave girl. [Takes her hand.] 

Irene. Well, you see, don't you? 

Uncle. Well, I see that you're a foolish little 
girl. 

Irene. There — ^there — there, but don't you see 
that I've got to provide for Stuart's future? I 
couldn't die happy unless I knew that I had done 
my best to provide for him. 
[20] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Well, I'm a director of two orphan asy- 
lums. I daresay I might get him admitted. 

Irene. Oh, Uncle John Ah, you will mis- 
understand me But I don't care. My sense of 

duty as Stuart's wife will help me to carry out my 
plans even if my father's brother will not. 

Uncle. My poor misguided girl, can't you see 

Irene. I can see that Stuart must have a wife 
even if I am not it — I mean she. 

Uncle. What the deuce 

Irene. I know a girl who made her husband 



swear 

Uncle. Oh, many do. 

Irene. Made her husband swear never, never to 
marry again after she died, but he did, within a year. 
Uncle. The wretch! 

Now, I don't intend to make any such 

I intend that Stuart shall have a wife 

Ah! 

But 



Irene. 
mistake. 

Uncle. 
Irene. 
Uncle. 
Irene. 
Uncle. 
Irene. 
Uncle. 



But — ^now we shall see. 
I intend to pick her out. 
Pick her out? 

In point of fact I have picked her out. 
You've laid by a wife for a rainy day? 
[21] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Some one that will do for him all the 
little things I have tried in my poor weak way to do. 
Some one who will be to him all that I have been. 

Uncle. Well, certainly, there's not a jealous bone 
in your body ! 

Irene [Significantly]. And yet, not quite all. 

Uncle. She's quite like you then, your husband's 
second wife? 

Irene. In some ways, yes, in other ways not at 
all like me. 

Uncle. Ah, I see. She wouldn't remind Stuart 
of you, then. 

Irene. She wouldn't be likely to make him forget 
me. I have considered the matter as you may well 
believe, with the utmost care, and I think she'll do. 

Uncle. Of course it is a mere formality, but 
— have you spoken to her on the subject? 

Irene. No — and that's where I want your 
help. 

Uncle [Rising in perturbation]. Oh, that will be 
nice. 

Irene. She's an old schoolmate of mine. We 
were at Elderby Hall together. She's lived abroad 
most of the time since, and has just returned; only 
got to Saratoga yesterday, in fact. I wonder if you 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Stuart. Not for me. [He exits L. 3 E. 

Uncle J. Well, Nora, where is my niece? 

Nora. I believe Mrs. Randolph is in her room 
taking her deep-breathing exercises. 

Uncle J. I beg your pardon. 

Nora. Taking her deep-breathing exercises, 
sir. 

Uncle J. What the deuce is that? 

Nora. You'll see, sir, when you've been here a 
few days. 

Uncle J. Some tommy-rot or other, I suppose. 
It's no wonder, the life these people lead. See here, 
Nora, you've been with my niece ever since she 
was a youngster — tell me — what's the matter with 
her? 

Nora. Matter, sir? 

Uncle J. Yes, yes. Tell me — is she quite as 
usual? 

Nora. Quite us usual — how do you mean, sir? 

Uncle J. As to her health? 

Nora. Well, sir, that's hard to say. 

Uncle J. You see her every day, you must have 
noticed some change in her? 

Nora. Well, yes, sir. I beHeve I have. 

Uncle J. Tell me. 

[7] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Nora. Well, sir, of late she seems sort of quiet 
and kind of — ^well, sir, if it was me, sir, I should call 
it moping. 

Uncle J. Moping? 

Nora. She doesn't seem to take much interest in 
nothing much, sir — she don't seem to care to go out 
much — ^just likes to kind of sit around the house. 

Uncle J. Does she seem nervous? 

Nora. Well, no, sir. But sort of queer — a good 
deal, sir. 

Uncle J. Is she doctoring? 

Nora. Yes, sir, she is taking medicine all the 
time. 

Uncle J. What kind of medicine? 

Nora. I don't know, sir, several kinds — five or 
six, I should say. 

Uncle J. Not all at once? 

Nora. Oh, no, sir. Different hours for different 
medicines. Keeps me all mixed up, sir, trying to 
remember which one comes which time. 

Uncle J. How long since you noticed this 
change? 

Nora. Well, sir, I couldn't be sure for certain; 
it might be a matter of two or three months. 

Uncle J. Any change in her appearance? 
[8] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIPE 



Nora. No, sir. I can't rightly say as there is. 

She keeps her looks something wonderful, she 

[Enter through French windows Richard 
Belden, carrying a pair of racing glasses 
slung over his shoulder. Nora exits L. 1 E.] 

Richard. Well, hello. Uncle John! 

Uncle J. Why, Dick, how you have grown! 

Richard, That's what they all say. Going to 
let me have a latchkey soon. You are looking fine 
yourself. 

Uncle J. We strive to please. 

Richard. W^ell, how is steel and the dear old 
coast? ..^wX. tir-^ 

Uncle J. All right, thanks. I On your way to 
the races, I see. 

Richard. Right the first time. 

Uncle J. Hm! 

Richard. You needn't turn up your nose. You 
deal in stocks, I take to horses; I don't see you have 
any the best of it. 

Uncle J. You own a stable, I suppose? 

Richard. Oh, a very small one. 

Uncle J. How much was it you paid for Huckle- 
berry? Thirty thousand dollars — the newspapers 
said. 

[9] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. Oh, not as much as that — five hundred 
dollars less. 
*^ Uncle J. Broken any automobile records yet? 

Richard. Not yet — broken the automobile, 
though. 

Uncle J. You're lucky it's not your neck. 

Richard. I'm not so sure. 

Uncle J. Very likely you're right. 

Richard. What? 

Uncle J. The life you people lead ! You have all 
the means in the world, and what are you doing with 
them? Are you making anything, doing anything, 
getting anywhere? Yachts, horse-racing, motor 
cars, five suits of clothes a day! Loafing, loafing, 
that's what it is, and calling it society doesn't make 
it anything else. 

Richard. Oh, you needn't sneer; you've been 
all your life with your nose to the grindstone, and 
what have you got to show for it? Nothing but 
money — money — ^bah ! 

Uncle J. Cheer up — I won't leave it to you. It 
will be all right — don't you worry ! 

Richard. I don't care whether I get a cent of it — 
I'm not going to live my life on your model if you 
leave it all for a home for indigent cats, 
f 101 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle J. A life of pleasure doesn't seem to have 
improved your manners. 

Richard. I beg your pardon, Uncle John, I 

didn't mean to be nasty, but Well, I'm not 

having a good time. 

Uncle. A woman, I suppose. 

Richard. Who told you? 

Uncle. My dear Dick, whenever a man is not 
having a good time it's always because there's a 
woman — or because there isnt. 

Richard. Well, there is one this time. We met 
on the Riviera last winter and — we quarrelled. 

Uncle. Of course. 

Richard. And we haven't made it up. 

Uncle. You will; you were always unlucky. 

Richard. Never! That's the trouble. I won- 
der if you remember her? Miss Ladew, Emily 
Ladew? 

Uncle. Ladew — what? Carrington Ladew's 
daughter? 

Richard. Yes, yes. 

Uncle. About thirty-five? 

Richard. No, no. 

Uncle. Short and fat and 

Richard. No — no — no ! Twenty-four, fair and 

[11] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



slender and blue-eyed, gay and graceful and sunny, 
and smart and chic 

Uncle [Crossing to L.]. Stop it, stop it, I have an 
engagement for dinner. 

Richard. Well, in that case I haven't time to 
describe her to you. 

Uncle. Of course you never saw Miss Ladew's 
mother? 

Richard. On the contrary I know her very well. 

Uncle. What? I understood you to say you 
were in love with Miss Ladew. 

Richard. So I am — worse luck. 

Uncle. When Mrs. Ladew was Miss Carleton^ 
and that was a great many years ago, I was inti- 
mately acquainted with her. 

Richard. Really? 

Uncle. We quarrelled, thank God ! 

Richard. Oh, you confounded old misanthrope, 
if you mean to say 

Enter Irene Randolph at L. 1 E. 

Irene. Sorry to have been so long. Uncle John 
— hello, Dick, off to the races? 

Richard. Yes. Aren't you coming? 
Irene. Not to-day. 

[12] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. Oh, I say, Sis, you mustn't shut your- 
self up Hke this. What's the use of being in Sara- 
toga 

Irene [Crossing to piano]. It's no use, Dick. I 
wish you wouldn't bother me. Stuart will be out 
in a moment. [She busies herself with the music on the 
piano.] 

Richard [Apart to Uncle John]. I say, Uncle 
John, I wish you'd take Sis in hand. She does noth- 
ing but mope and embroider, in Saratoga of all places ! 
Never goes to the races or the club or anywhere. I 
can't make her out at all. 

Uncle [Crossing to Irene]. Irene, anything on 
your mind? 

Irene. No, no. Of course not. Dick's a fool- 
ish boy. 

Enter Stuart from L. 3 E., carrying racing glasses 
slung over his shoulder. 

Stuart. Hello, Dick, old man. Hope I've not 
kept you waiting long. You're quite sure you won't 
go with us, Uncle John? It's not in your line, I 
know, but you might find it a pleasant novelty. 

Uncle. Thanks, there seems likely to be a full 
representation of the family without me. 
[13] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



[Stuart goes to Irene. 

Stuart. I'll be back early, dear; -only- want to 
see Huckleberry win the Champlain stakes, then 
we'll go for a drive to the lake — you and Uncle 
John and I. Shall we? 

Irene. If it will please you. 

Stuart. That's all right, then. [Kisses her. 
Crosses to Uncle John up C, speaks aside to him.] 
Would you mind pumping her a bit? She's worried 
about something. I've been rather disturbed about 
her. 

Richard. Can't we put a bit on for you, Uncle 
John? You'll get three to one and Huckleberry's 
sure to win. 

Uncle. I never bet on sure things. 

Stuart. There's a sportsman for you! 

Uncle. They always lose. 

[Stuart and Richard exit into the hall laugh- 
ing and chatting. Uncle J. goes to Irene. 
Well, my dear, tell me all about it just as you used to 
do when you were a little girl. 

Irene. Oh, Uncle John, if I only could, but I 
haven't told anybody anything for so long. 

Uncle. Poor child, how you must have suffered ! 

Irene. Oh, I have. I have indeed — why 

[14] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



remember her? She's the dearest little woman, so 

quiet and retiring and modest and 

Uncle. And plain, eh? 

Irene. Oh, not plain, exactly, but not showy. I 
should call her motherly. 
Uncle. As bad as that? 

Irene. She's had some sorrow in her life — a 
love affair, I believe. 

Uncle. No woman is too plain for that, thank 
heaven ! 

Irene. Ah, but it's all over and done with for- 
ever and the poor thing naturally is a little depressed 
about it. 

Uncle [Indulgently]. Oh, I think we may allow 
her that privilege. 

Irene. I thought so. I wonder if you'll re- 
member her. Her name is Ladew — Emily Ladew. 

Uncle. Ladew? Good gracious — Ladew 

[Enter Nora from the hall, announces ''Miss 
Ladew.'' Emily Ladew comes in. She is 
a little woman, dressed inconspicuously and 
plainly; brushes her hair straight back from 
her forehead and presents an appearance 
which, despite her comparative youth, is on 
the whole rather dowdy. Her manner is re- 
[23] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



served and in fact just falls short of being 
shy.] 

Irene. My dear Emily, I'm so glad to see you. 
I was almost afraid you weren't coming. This is 
Mr. Belden, my uncle. Uncle John, this is my old 
friend. Miss Ladew. 

Uncle. How do you do, and I hope you are 
quite well. And your mother? I used to know her 
before her marriage — how is her health? 

Miss Ladew. Mother was quite well when I left 
her in Carlsbad. 

Uncle [Embarrassed and struggling for words]. 
And your father — I — I — I hope he's quite well. 

Miss Ladew. Father has been dead six years. 

Uncle [Rattled]. Oh, I beg — I beg your pardon 
—I— I 

Miss Ladew [Gravely]. But both my sisters are 
in good health and brother Jim was never better. 

[Uncle J. retires in confusion. 

Irene. Do come and sit down, dear [Em- 
ily sits on settee; Irene on chair R. of table L. C] My 
dear Emily, you can't think how glad I am to see you 
back in this country. 

Miss Ladew. You're very kind, I'm sure. 

Irene. For two reasons. In the first place I was 
[241 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



always fond of you. [Uncle J. edges away.] But I 
am particularly glad to see you now, because you 
can do for me the greatest possible service one 
woman can possibly do another. 

Miss Ladew. Yes, and please what is that? 

Uncle J. [Nervously]. I think I'll go and smoke 
on the veranda. 

[Starts to go; Irene rises, crosses up to Uncle 
J., brings him down L. of table.] 

Irene. Oh, please, please, Uncle John, I want 
you to stay. We both want you to stay, don't we, 
Emily, dear? 

Miss Ladew. Why, of course. [They all sit] 

Irene. My dear Emily, I know you'll be sorry 
to learn that I have reason to believe that I shan't 
live very long. 

Miss Ladew. Eh? 

Irene. Yes, it's true. I knew you'd be sorry. 

Uncle. Nevertheless, Miss Ladew, it's distinctly 
nice of you to be sorry. 

Miss Ladew. But I don't understand. I didn't 
know you were ill. 

Irene. Nobody knows it but you and Uncle 
John. I haven't told a soul. I didn't want to 
worry them, especially Stuart. 
[25] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Yes, Miss Ladew, it's to be our little 
secret. No one must ever know. 

Miss Ladew. But the doctors — can't they do 
anything? 

Uncle. Ah, they're not in the secret. 

Irene. No, I've tried several, and none of them 
does any good. It's no use. I've made up my 
mind to the inevitable. I'm not asking you for sym- 
pathy, dear. I know you'll give me that, but I want 
something more than that. 

Miss Ladew. Why, of course, anything in the 
world I can do. 

Irene. Wait till you hear what I want. 

Uncle. Ah! Wait! Wait! 

Irene. I — I — admit that it's a great favor I'm 
asking — a very great favor. I want, — in fact I'm 
only asking it of you because of the confidence I feel 
in you. I don't know another woman I could ask 
it of. 

Uncle. I can't think of one either. 

Irene. I want you to promise me that — that 
when I'm gone [She clwkes up and turns on Un- 
cle J.] Oh, you tell her. Uncle John. 

Uncle. I? No, thank you. [Backing hastily 
away.] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Oh, you will, won't you, dear Uncle 
John? I — I can't seem to bring myself to it. 

Uncle. Wliy bring me to it? 

Irene. I know it's all right, but I can't seem to 
help thinking that it would be indelicate for me to say 

it myself. Please, please, please 

[Uncle J. gives up after a stry^ggle and goes to 
Miss L.] 

Uncle. My dear young lady, the proposal my 
niece has to make to you is that you shall agree to 
— er — sort of — as you might say — marry her hus- 
band. 

Miss Ladew. What ! 

Uncle. In the event of her death of course. 

Miss Ladew. Well, I — I — I never heard of such 
a thing ! 

Irene. Oh, don't make me the most miserable 
of women by saying no; you can't think what it 
means to me. I shall die happy if I have your 
promise. Uncle John, do help me to persuade her. 

Miss Ladew. Do you approve of this plan, Mr. 
Belden? 

Uncle. At first I must say that I was violently 
opposed to it. 

Miss Ladew. Ah! 

[271 



% 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. But that was before I knew my niece had 
you in mind. 

Miss Ladew. Ah, indeed! 

Uncle. You see I once knew your charming 
mother. 

Miss Ladew. You must admit it is a most ex- 
traordinary proposal. I haven't seen Mr. Randolph 
for years. 

Irene. All the better. I mean that would make 
no difference. You're sure to get on with Stuart — 
isn't she, Uncle John? 

Uncle. Oh, yes; anybody can get on with 
Stuart. 

[Irene is not wholly pleased by this observa- 
tion.] 

Miss Ladew. I — really — I can't imagine where 
you got such a notion; it's — it's quite impossible — 
impossible ! 

Irene. My dear, my dear — don't break my 
heart like this. I 

Miss Ladew. No, I couldn't do it, really. Of 
course, I'm sorry for you and all that, but really, — 
you mustn't ask me, — I couldn't do it. [She turns 
away decisively.] 

Irene. Oh, Uncle John ! 
[28] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Enter Nora with silver card tray, on which is a letter. 

Nora. For Mr. Richard, ma'am, and the mes- 
senger says there'll be an answer. 

[At the mention of the name Miss Ladew 
pricks up her ears.] 

Irene. Mr. Richard is at the races; tell the 
man the answer must wait till he returns. 

[Nora goes out. 

Miss Ladew [With covert interest]. Is your 
brother Richard staying with you here? 

Irene. Yes, we're all here for the season. 

Miss Ladew [Suddenly]. I think I'd better be 
going. 

Irene. Emily, you're horribly cruel. Won't you 
try just for a moment to put yourself in my place? 

Miss Ladew. As I understand it, that is exactly 
what you propose. 

Irene. I wouldn't dream of asking it of you if I 
didn't know from your own lips that the one love 
affair of your life was over and done with; you told 
me so, didn't you? 

Miss Ladew [Sadly and slowly]. Yes, we agreed, 
he and I, that it was over and done with — forever. 

Irene. Will nothing induce you? Oh, I'm sure 
[29] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



you'd like Stuart; he's the dearest boy, and you 
could do so much for him. I can't think of another 
woman I'd be willing to trust him to. 

Uncle. Think of that, Miss Ladew ! 

Miss Ladew. Yes, I am thinking! It's a great 
honor. 

Irene. Yes, dear. 

Miss Ladew. But, are you sure he'd like me? 

Irene. Of course he would — that is, well enough. 

Uncle. Still, that end of the matter is yet to be 
arranged. 

Miss Ladew. Suppose, suppose he shouldn't. 
That would be rather awkward for me, eh? 

Irene. Oh, I've thought that all out. Of course 
I shouldn't tell him I had said a word to you. 

Miss Ladew. I should think not. 

Irene. I'd simply tell him such a match was my 
last wish, and make him promise to try to win you. 
Oh, you need have no fear on that ground. Stuart 
would do anything to please me. 

Uncle. Ahem ! 

Miss Ladew. That's extremely gratifying. 

Irene. Then you will, will you? 

Miss Ladew. Understand, I wouldn't think of 

doing such a thing for anybody but you, but 

[301 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Then you will, you will! 

Miss Ladeav. I'll think it over. 

Irene [Seizing her hands]. Oh, please, please say 
you will! 

Uncle. Irene would do as much for you, I'm 
sure. 

Miss Ladew. Well, you see,j it's been so long 
since I've seen Stuart — — 

Uncle. Stuart! Ah — getting on. 

Miss Ladew. I mean, of course, Mr. Randolph. 
Don't misunderstand me, dear. Of course there 
could never be any sentimental nonsense between 
him and me. What I mean is that there are some 
men, though they might be nice enough, whom I 
couldn't marry, even to oblige a friend. 

Irene. Oh, you needn't worry about that. You'll 
find Stuart attractive. [Choking back a sob.] Yes, 
very attractive. 

Miss Ladew. Tell me, dear, what is he like? 

Irene. You tell her. Uncle John; I — I may be 
prejudiced. 

Uncle [Cheerfully taking up the task]. Oh, he's 
not deformed in any way. 

Irene. Uncle John! 

Uncle. Well, is he? 

[31] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Of course he isn*t. 

Uncle [To Miss L.]. There, what did I say? He's 
got the usual number of legs and arms, and so far as I 
know, teeth. 

Irene. Uncle John ! 

Uncle. Hasn't he? I'm positive about the legs 
and arms, though I may be wrong about the teeth; 
but we can refer you to his dentist. 

Irene. I think you're perfectly horrid. [On the 
verge of tears.] You know Stuart is a most attractive 
man. Do you think I'd have married him if he 
weren't? 

Uncle. You see. Miss Ladew, it is entirely use- 
less to proceed in the face of these interruptions. 

Miss Ladew. Perhaps I'd better wait and 

Uncle. Inspect the goods yourself, eh? 

Miss Ladew. Oh, no, not that at all. 

[Emily crosses to Irene. 
You mustn't mind him, my dear; what I mean is — 
that there are people that other people find most 
agreeable — who — who — well, who rub you the 
wrong way, don't you know. I shouldn't like to 
promise you and then have to change my mind. 

Irene. Ah, I see, dear, of course, but I know it 
will be all right. [Putting her arms around Emily's 
[321 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



neck.] Oh, Emily, Emily, how can I ever thank you 
enough? If you knew how much it meant to me. 

[Nora meanwhile has entered, ivith silver tray, 
on which is a half glass of ivater, and a small 
powder, done up doctor fashion.] 
The anxious hours I have spent ! 

[Cuckoo appears from clock. Calls once. Dis- 
appears.] 
Nora. Your powder, ma'am. 
Irene [Crossing to 1>^ qua]. Oh, to be sure, it is the 
hour for the powder. 

[During the following scene, Irene is busy 

unwrapping powder, putting it in water, etc.] 

Uncle. Another one of your intimate friend's 

remedies that doesn't do any good for you don't 

know what. 

Irene. Oh, no, I bought the powders of an 
agent. 
Uncle. Good Lord ! 

Irene. You needn't turn up your nose at that. 
She was the dearest, sweetest little thing you ever 
saw. 
Uncle. Humph! 

Irene. And she told me she had three fatherless 
children to support. [She swallows the powder.] 
[33] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Miss Ladew. But, these powders — do they do 
you any good? 

Irene. Oh, no. 

Miss Ladew. Then why 

Uncle. Didn't you hear her say that the agent 
has three fatherless children? Now, what more do 
you want? 

Miss Ladew. Yes, I know; of course it is all 
right to buy her medicine; but why take it, why not 
throw it away? 

Irene. My dear, that would be practically 
making her a present. 

Miss Ladew. Well, what of it? 

Irene. She wouldn't like that, I*m sure. She's 
much too independent. 

Uncle. But you needn't tell her you don't take 
the stuff. 

Irene. I couldn't think of deceiving her; she'd 
be very angry, I'm sure. 

Uncle. Well, of all the 

Miss Ladew. Mr. Belden, of course she would, 
can't you see that? 

Uncle [Going close to her]. I can see that you're 
a very kind young woman to come to the help of my 
poor unfortunate niece in her dilemma. 
[34] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Miss Ladew. Oh, you mean [Embarrassed 

— cannot meet his shrewd and humorous gaze.] 

Uncle. And — er — I — er — I wish — ^you luck. 

Miss Ladew. Thank you. [Gives him a sus- 
picious glance. Nora goes out.] 

Uncle. I didn't mention it before because I knew 
such a consideration — would have no weight with a 
woman — er — that is — a girl of your character, but as 
a matter of fact, Stuart is well provided with the 
goods of this world. 

Miss Ladew [Smiling]. Oh, is he? 

Irene. Yes, Uncle John is quite right. 

Uncle. And take it all around from a worldly 
point of view, I think I am abundantly able to most 
sincerely congratulate you upon your approaching 
marriage. [They shake hands effusively.] 

Miss Ladew. It's very nice of you, I'm sure. 

Enter Nora. 

Nora. Miss Jenkins. 

[The hotel band is heard in the distance playing 
" The BarcarroW from " The Tales of Hoff- 
mann.'*] 
Irene. It's the agent. Ask her to wait. [To 
Emily] You'll excuse me, dear, just a moment, 
[35] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



won't you? How good you are to me in my trouble. 
I shall be grateful to you for ever and ever. [Kisses 
her on both cheeks.] I shan't be long, dear. [She goes 
Old into the hall. Miss Ladew strides up rear and 
then down C, her anger mounting.] 

Miss Ladew. It's an insult, an insult! 

Uncle. Now, my dear. 

Miss Ladew. I tell you I was never so insulted in 
my life! Why — it — it — it — it — it's perfectly out- 
rageous ! I'm the only woman in the world she'd ask 
it of, am I? She wouldn't dream of asking it of any- 
body else, wouldn't she? She'll die happy if she has 
my promise, will she? She'll [Uncle J. cross- 
ing to her trying to take her hands.] 

Uncle. My dear Miss Ladew, you really mustn't 
allow yourself 

Miss Ladew [Flouncing away from him to R.] 
Don't touch me. I — I — I — I — I'm not responsible. 
It — it's the most outrageous piece of insolence I ever 
heard of I! 

Uncle. Then you won't do it, eh? 

Miss Ladew, Do it? I wouldn't miss it for the 
world ! 

Uncle. Then you will? 

Miss Ladew [Crosses to him]. Do it? Well, I 
[36] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



should say I will. Do you think I'll let that woman 
calmly — oh — I don't care if she is your niece — no 

woman is going to tell me to my face that I'm so 

[Stops as if struck by an idea; crosses to mirror at door 
down R. 2\ Well, no woman, whether it is Irene 

Randolph or anybody else [Examining her 

appearance in the mirror.] I don't care who it is, I 

tell you, no woman is going to make any such 

[Looking at herself in mirror, patting her hair, straight- 
ening her hat, etc.] I admit I am not the most fascin- 
ating woman in the world at present 

Uncle. Oh, my dear Miss 

Miss Ladew [Interrupting]. But when a woman 
doesn't care she can be very, very unattractive. 

Uncle. And haven't you cared .^^ 

Miss Ladew. You may not have observed it, 
but when a woman makes up her mind that she's 
going to be an old maid she — she 

Uncle. Sort of goes to pieces, eh? 

Miss Ladew. Well, she — she deteriorates. 

Uncle. Surely you don't expect to be an old maid ? 

Miss Ladew. Well, I have deteriorated. [Jams 
hat over one ear.] But, I didn't know it was as bad 
as your niece seems to think. Oh, every time I 

think of it my blood begins to boil. I 

[37] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Suppose we go and listen to the band? 
Miss Ladew. Let me tell you that I've not lived 
five years in Paris for nothing, though I may not look 
it at this moment. Mark my word, Irene Randolph 
will regret the day she tried to make a trained nurse 
out of me. [Crosses to windows at back.] 

Uncle [Pursuing her]. Shall we go and hear the 
band? 

Miss Ladew. Besides, I have other reasons. 
Uncle. I begin to believe you're a very clever 
young person. 

Miss Ladew. Heavens! Don't tell a soul. 

[They go out through the French windows. 
Enter Stuart from the hall, crosses to bach of 
table L. C, takes cigarette from jar on table, 
and lights it.] 
Stuart. Poor old Dick! 

Enter Richard, slowly and dejectedly; Crosses to 
chair R. of table, sits. 

Oh, come, cheer up, Dick; have a cigarette. 
Richard. No, thanks! 
Stuart. Have a drink? 
Richard. No, thanks. 

Stuart. Oh, I say, old fellow, don't be so down- 
[38 1 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



hearted. After all, Huckleberry only picked up a 
nail. Matthews says he will be all right again in a 
couple of weeks. 

Richard. Oh, Matthews ! It's always a trainer's 
principal business to jolly an owner along. I don't 
believe the colt will ever face the starter again. 

Stuart. Well, it is a bit of hard luck, if you 
like. 

Richard. I wouldn't mind so much if he could 
only have done it in a race, but in a beastly warming- 
up gallop ! It's tough ! Not even to see your colors 
in the Champlain. But that's always the way. 
Horse wasn't fit for the Brooklyn — got left at 
the start in the Suburban. Here we've got him on 
edge with the best boy in the business to ride and a 
feather on his back and — then he goes and picks up a 
nail twenty minutes before the race. I'd sell the 
whole lot for eight dollars. 

Stuart. Oh, pshaw, buck up, my boy. Luck's 
sure to come your way soon. I wonder what's be- 
come of Irene and Uncle John? 

[Exits into the hall. Enter, through French win- 
dow from L., Miss Ladbw, followed by Uncle 
John.] 

UN€fcBi- Now be calm, my dear, be calm. 
[39] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Miss Ladew. Calm, is it? Well, we'll see. 
[Sees Richard.] 

Uncle. Richard ! 

Miss Ladew. Dick! 

Richard. Emily! 

Miss Ladew. I beg your pardon, Mr. Belden. 

Richard. I beg your pardon, Miss Ladew. 

[Uncle J. exits hastily, after sizing up the situ- 
ation, through French vnndow.] 
This is rather a surprise, you know. 

Miss Ladew. Yes, isn't it.?^ 

Richard. I had no idea you were in this 
country. 

Miss Ladew. I only came last week. 

Richard. You — you have changed a bit. 

'Miss Ladi^w [Angrily]. So I've been told. [Takes 
another look at herself in the mirror.] 

Richard. I — er — I'm glad — I'm er — I'm glad to 
see you. 

Miss Ladew. I had not the least idea you were 
here, otherwise I should not — of course. 

Richard. Oh, of course not, of course not. 

Miss Ladew [Turning to face him quickly]. All 
the same I was right. 

Richard. I have no wish to renew an old con- 
[401 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



troversy with you, Miss Ladew. I thought we 
agreed upon that at all events. 

Enter Irene and Stuart from the hall. 

Irene [As she comes down]. Remember, I want 
you to be very, very nice to her. 
Stuart. Why, of course, my dear. 
Irene. My dear Emily, let me present my hus- 
band. Stuart, this is my dearest friend, Emily 
Ladew. 

Stuart [Shaking Miss L.'s hand cordially]. We 
are certainly most delighted to see you. Miss Ladew; 
may I hope that we shall be great friends, great 
friends. 

Miss Ladew. It's very good of you. I don't see 
why we shouldn't. 

[Miss Ladew and Stuart commence to talk in 
a very animated manner; Richard, who is L., 
and Irene, who is R. C, commence to show 
signs of displeasure at the way Stuart and 
Emily are chatting; Irene, after the chatter 
has gone on for several moments, speaks.] 
Irene. I see that you and Richard have re- 
newed your acquaintance. 

Miss Ladew [Looking up]. Eh? [Glances shortly 
[41] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



at Richard.] Oh, yes. [Quickly to Stuart, smiling 
sweetly.] Do you find Saratoga very pleasant? 

Stuart [Laughingly]. At this moment, very. 
Won't you sit down? 

[Miss Ladew sits on settee; Stuart sits at her 
R. They resume their animated conversa- 
tion, every now and then bursting out in de- 
lighted laughter. Richard crosses above table 
to R. of Irene, who is R. C. Irene tries 
to concentrate on her talk with Richard, but 
glances occasionally with apprehension at 
Stuart and Miss Ladew.] 
Irene. So poor old Huckleberry picked up a 
nail, eh? You do seem to have the worst luck. 

Richard [Also observing the other pair]. Don't 
I? 

Irene, Going to give it up? 
Richard. I don't know. [Burst of laughter from 
Stuart and Emily.] 

Irene [With a look over her shoulder at her husband 
and Miss L.]. Don't you think she's the — I mean — 
don't you think that turf is a rather unsatisfactory 
sort of amusement? 

Stuart [To Miss L. laughingly]. Oh, I say now, 
really, well, by Jove! that 15 good! 
[42] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard [To Irene]. They — they seem to be 
doing rather well, don't they? 

Irene [Indignantly]. Well [Changing her 

manner to one of innocence.] Why — I don't know 
what you mean? Oh, Stuart! 

[Stuart, who is still chatting with Miss Ladew 
with his back turned toward his wife, doesnH 
hear.] 

Irene. Stuart ! [Stuart still doesnH hear.] Stuart ! 
[Stuakt turns, rises, and steps towards her.] 

Stuart. Oh, I beg your pardon, my dear; isn't 
it jolly? Miss Ladew's promised to dine with us all 
at the club to-night and to go driving with us in the 
morning. [To Miss L.] And would you prefer polo 
or the races in the afternoon? 

Miss Ladew [Rising]. Really, it doesn't matter. 
I don't mind what I'm doing so long as I have nice 
people around me, but I must be getting back to 
auntie. [To Stuart.] What time will you call for 
me? 

Stuart. Oh, about seven, if that will suit. 

Miss Ladew. Seven will do admirably. [To 

Irene.] Until then, dear [Kissing her very 

effusively.] I think I'll go back through the park. 
[She goes up to the French windows.] 
[43] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



[Irene crosses to L. of table, rubbing the hated 
kiss off with handkerchief.] 
Stuart [To Miss L.]. This way. 
Miss Ladew. Thank you. Good-bye. Good- 
bye. 

[She goes out breezily through the French 
windows, Stuart waving her a farewell.] 
Stuart [Calling after her]. Good-bye! Seven 
o'clock, don't forget. Good-bye! Well, by Jove, she's 
a nice girl! 

[He turns, as he speaks, to face Irene and 
Richard, who both feel indignant and rather 
badly treated, without knowing exactly why,] 



Quick Curtain 



[44 



ACT II 



.A 



ACT II 

Time : Three days later. Half-past five in the afternoon. 

At Rise: Nora enters from the hall with tray and 
telegram, crosses down an 1 E. as Uncle 

John enters through the Frencu ^ows. 

Uncle. Well, nobody at home? 

Enter Nora L. 1 E. with tray. 

Well, Nora, how's the invalid? 

Nora [L, of table]. Well, sir, she's so troubled. 
Uncle [Sitting R. of table]. That's just what 
Irene needs. Her trouble is that life has been too 
easy. When a woman has absolutely nothing on 
earth to worry about, then look out. If she has no 
troubles she'll invent some, and those are always the 
worst. If you want to keep a woman perfectly 
happy, always keep her well supplied with trouble. 

[Nora goes out in the hall laughing. Irene 
enters from L. 1 E.] 
[471 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



[Rising]. Well, my dear. 

Irene [Faintly]. Hello, Uncle John. 

Uncle. Any news of Stuart? 

Irene. He's coming back this afternoon. I just 
had a wire. 

Uncle. Well, you don't seem very glad. 

Irene. Of course I'm glad. I don't have to grin 
like a monkey to show I'm glad. 

Uncle. Grin? Of course not. But how's any- 
body to know you're glad if you go about looking 
like the nearest relative of the late lamented. I 
don't believe you really care for Stuart. 

Irene. Ah, Uncle John, you know it's just be- 
cause I care for him so much that I 

[Cuckoo appears from clock and calls once. 
Irene gives a sudden start.] 
Oh! 

Uncle. What's the matter? 

Irene. It's only half -past five. For a moment I 
thought it was time for the powder. [Sits down by 
the table] 

Uncle. Your husband hasn't seen much of his 
fiancee yet. 

Irene [With a touch of displeasure]. No, not 
yet. 

[48] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Hard luck for the poor chap to have to 
tear himself away the very night of his engagement. 

Irene. I — I believe I shall learn to hate you. 

Uncle. Hate me? \^Tiy, my dear child — ^hate 
me — me who have watched over your infant years 
with tender solicitude. 

Irene. Humph! 

Uncle. Hate your old Uncle who's doing the 
best he can to help your husband get a good wife. 
You're certainly a most ungrateful girl. 

Irene [Rising]. But, Uncle, you 

Uncle. If you only knew how rare a thing a good 
wife is. I've been trying over forty years and 
haven't got one yet — not even one ! 

Irene. You're too particular! 

Uncle. Hm! Well, maybe I am. I know it's 
foolish to be finicky about such a trifle. Speaking 
of wives — have you seen Miss Ladew? 

Irene. No! And that's what's troubling me. 
I haven't seen her since that day — when 

Uncle. Not since we asked her to — er — join the 
family.^ 

Irene. N — no — not since then. You know 
Stuart got a wire that very evening calling him to 
New York, and since then I haven't seen her. I 
[49] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



planned to call, but — well, somehow, I haven't done 
it, and she hasn't been here. 

Uncle [Taking her hand]. Then you don't know 
whether she's going to make Stuart a happy man or 
not? 

Irene [Indignantly]. I think you might choose 
your words more carefully. 

Uncle [Taking her hand, his eyes falling on her 
arm]. My dear girl, what is that bruise on your 
wrist? 

Irene. What? Oh, that's nothing. I just jammed 
it in the door the other day. 

Uncle. Well, I'll go for a stroll, I think. I — er 
— had something of importance to say to you, but 
you don't seem to be in the mood. [Starts to go.] 

Irene. Something about Emily? 

Uncle. Well — er — yes. 

Irene [Detaining him]. Oh, do tell me! I didn't 
mean to be horrid. Really, I didn't. 

Uncle. It's — er — it won't be pleasant, but it's 
something I think you ought to know. 

Irene . Well — well ? 

Uncle. Have — ^you — er — have you seen as much 
of Dick lately as usual? 

Irene [Significantly]. Ah! 
[50] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Because I have ! 

Irene. Hm-m ! 

Uncle. Now, don't be hard on Dick. 

Irene. Eh? 

Uncle. Well, the fact is, every time I have seen 
Dick for the last three days I have observed him in 
the company of a person in whom — well, you know 
it's really quite too painful to talk about. 

Irene [Sharply]. I suspected as much ! 

Uncle. But you don't know who I mean. 

Irene. Of course I know. You mean Emily 
Ladew. 

Uncle. Well — ^yes. You're right. Of course, I 
may be mistaken, but it looks to me as if the fellow 
actually had the face to be in love with her. 

Irene [Incredulously]. What! 

Uncle. Does seem ridiculous, doesn't it? 

Irene. Why, it's preposterous ! 

Uncle. Absurd! 

Irene. And yet — if he is — it's outrageous. 
[Turns to face him.] What's to become of my plan? 
What's to become of Stuart? Why — I — I — I simply 
won't hear of it. Where on earth could I find an- 
other woman like Emily Ladew? 

Uncle. To be sure, but — if you could have seen 
151] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



the way Dick looked at her last night as he was hand- 
ing her into her carriage at the club ! 

Irene. Ugh! I won't believe it of him. Dick's 
always been the dearest of brothers. And now, if he 

goes — and — and 

[Her feelings ovenvhelm her. Enter Richard 
through French window. He is dressed in a 
light summer suit and carries a straw hat and 
a stick.] 

Richard. Afternoon, good people, and the top of 
it to you! Well, I say [With an uneasy at- 
tempt to laugh.] What's the matter with you two.^^ 
You look positively dyspeptic. 

Irene [In a cold voice]. I am ready to hear your 
apologies. 

Richard. Eh? Apologies? 

Uncle. Don't fail to make them very abject. 

Irene. You seem to have forgotten that you 
have a sister. 

Uncle. And an uncle. 

Richard. I — I don't understand you in the least. 

Irene. Humph ! 

Uncle. Likewise humph! 

Richard. Well, well, damn it all! What's the 
matter? 

[52] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Richard! 

Uncle. Oh, Richard, if you only knew how you 
shock me! 

Richard. Isn't one of you capable of speaking 
a sensible word? I ask you what's eating you and 
Irene says "Humph" and you say 

Uncle. Humph ! 

Richard. Exactly. If a man can't swear under 
these circumstances when the devil can he? [He 
makes as if to go.] 

Uncle [Detaining him]. Richard! Richard, the 
fact is that your behavior of the past three days- 
let me see [Counts on his fingers.] One, two, 

three, — ^yes, three days, has been most distressing 
to your sister and — er — to myself also. 

Irene [Stifling a sob]. Yes, most distressing, 
Richard. 

Richard [Going to Irene]. Why, my poor Sis, 
what have I done? 

Irene [Avoiding him]. Oh! Oh! Don't touch 
me — please — please. 

Uncle. Allow me to suggest that we proceed 
more in order. Be seated. 

[Uncle sits down. Irene sits on chair at R. 
of table; Richard sits on chair L. of piano. 
[531 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



There is a pause, broken by a formal cough 
from Uncle John.] 

Richard. Well, out with it, out with it. Now, 
what the devil do you want? 

Irene. Richard ! 

Uncle. I must ask you to moderate your diction, 
sir. Now tell me this : Am I right in supposing that 
I saw you at the club last evening? 

Richard. I was there. 

Uncle. And yesterday in a box at the races? 

Irene. Oh! Oh! [Rises.] 

Richard [Rising irritably]. Now, Sis, for heaven's 
sake 



Irene. Oh, Richard- 



Uncle. Tut, tut, tut! Sit down! Sit down!! 
Sit down ! ! ! [Motions for them to sit; they resume 
their seats.] Answer me, please. 

Richard. I was at the races, yes. 

Uncle. Am I or am I not mistaken in thinking 
that I met you driving yesterday morning on the 
Lake Road? 

Richard. I was driving on the Lake Road. Why 
not? 

Uncle. You hear the man, Irene? 

Irene [Moaning]. Yes, oh, yes. 
[541 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. What the devil are you driving at? 
Are you complaining that I cut you? I give you 
my word 1 didn't see you, sir. 

Uncle [To Irene]. You see, Irene, he didn't 
see me. 

Irene. I suppose he was too much occupied 
otherwise. 

Richard [Cheerfully]. Certainly, certainly, that 
was it! 

Uncle [To Irene]. You see, my poor girl, he 
admits it. 

Richard. Admits what? I should like to know 
what the deuce I admit. 

Uncle. Richard, answer me, and truthfully, if 
you can, for it's a matter of vital importance. On 
these three occasions at the club, at the races, and 
on the Lake Road, in whose company were you? 

Richard. Why, I was with Miss Ladew. 

Irene [Rising]. Miss Ladew ! 

[Irene and Uncle John carry on a conversa- 
tion in moderate tones concerning Richard's 
delinquencies^ ignoring his presence mean- 
while.] 

Uncle. I thought so. 

Richard [Seated]. Well, why shouldn't I be with 
[55] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Miss Ladew? [Irene and Uncle J. are talking, 
ignoring Richard] Why shouldn't I be with Miss 
Ladew? [They do not answer.] 

Richard [Shouting in Uncle John's ear]. Why 
shouldn't I be with Miss Ladew? 

Uncle [Hands over his ears. To Irene]. Oh! 

Irene. Richard [She turns away.] 

Richard. Stop! You've gone too far. You've 
given me hints, insinuations, innuendos; now you've 
got to tell me what you mean. 

Uncle. Really, my dear fellow 

Richard [Angrily]. What do you mean? Out 
with it! 

Uncle. Well, if you must know, we've reason 
to believe that Miss Ladew is engaged. 

Richard. What? 

Uncle. It's a fact, my dear chap. 

Richard. Why — why — I don't believe it. 

Uncle. Ask Irene. 

Richard. Is this true, Irene? 

Irene. Well, Richard, she — she told me so her- 
self — that is, she wrote me about it. 

Richard. What's the fellow's name? 

Irene. I don't like your tone, Richard. He isn't 
a fellow. He's a gentleman. 
[56] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. Well, fellow or gentleman, what's his 
confounded name? 

Uncle [Uneasily]. We — er — shouldn't be jus- 
tified in mentioning it. The announcement was 
made to me, as I may say — hm-m, confidentially. 

Richard. Some one I know? 

Irene. Yes — I believe so. Isn't he, Uncle John? 

Uncle. Ah — er — such is my impression. 

Richard. Is he here at Saratoga? 

Uncle. Really, my dear Richard, you must ex- 
cuse me. 

Richard. Very well, I'll go and ask Miss Ladew. 
[Starts up C; stopped by Uncle. 

Irene and Uncle. No, no, not for worlds! 

Richard. And why not? Surely a discarded 
lover has some rights.. 

Irene. Eh? [Irene and Uncle J. look at each 
other in consternation.] 

Richard. Miss Ladew was recently engaged to 
me. 

Irene. What? 

Richard. Yes, it's true. 

Irene. Good heavens! [She sinks down on the 
settee.] 

Uncle. But, my dear boy, even granting that 

157] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. I ought to know, I think. Didn't I 
tell you? 

Uncle [Hastily]. Yes, yes, of course, of course, but, 
even so, we must ask you not to mention it to her. 
Don't you see she might imagine we told you? 

Richard. What do I care for that? [Starts to 
go; stopped by Uncijii:.] 

Uncle. But I have already told you that the 
announcement was made to us in confidence. Am 
I right, Irene? 

Irene. Yes, oh, yes! 

Uncle. I shouldn't have dreamed of mentioning it 
to you but for the fact that certain things that came 
under my notice seemed to indicate that you — er — 
well — well, you understand. 

Richard [Dazed]. Yes — I — suppose I do. 

Uncle. I must say that I'm disappointed in 
Miss Ladew. I did not think her the sort of young 
woman to lead a man on, right, as I may say, in the 
shadow of her engagement to another. I trust, 
Irene, that you will make it your business to point 
out to her 

Irene. I shall, indeed. 

Richard. No, no, for heaven's sake, don't say 
a word about it to her, I beg of you. 
[581 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. And why not? 

Richard. Don't you see how ridiculous it would 
niPvke me? It would look as if I'd been complaining. 

Irene. Very well, if you don't wish it, Richard. 

Richard. Heaven forbid! 

Uncle [Comfortingly]. Poor old chap! 

Richard. Well, I've got to ^o and fight it out. 
Good-bye, Uncle John. [They shake hands.] 

Uncle. Good-bye, Richard. 

Irene. Good-bye, Richard. 

Richard. Good-bye, Irene. [Shakes her hand.] 
It was nice of you both to tell me. [Goes to door into 
hall.] 

Uncle. Shall we see you at dinner? 

'Richard [In doonvay]. Dinner! [Goes hastily out.] 

Irene [Sits on settee]. Oh, Uncle John, I feel 
guilty! 

Uncle. Nonsense, nonsense! Don't you see 
what a good turn we've done for the poor boy? If 
she's a flirt you wouldn't want him to marry her, 
would you? 

Irene. No — but — you don't really think she's 
a flirt, do you? 

Uncle. It looks like it. 

Irene. That dowdy little thing a flirt? 
[591 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Dowdy? 

Irene [Rising]. Why, her gowns are frights, and 
her hats [With a gesture she indicates the futil- 
ity of mere words to describe those hats.] 

Uncle. Well, hats or no hats, I don't see how 
you can deny that she's a flirt. Here she is engaged 
to your husband 

Irene. Oh, Uncle John! 

Uncle. And carrying on desperately with his own 
brother-in-law. 

Irene. But, Uncle John, are you sure you're not 
mistaken? Are you sure? 

Enter Nora from hall. 

Well, Nora, what is it? 

Nora. The ostypath. 

Uncle. The what? 

Irene. The osteopath, she means. I'll come at 
once. [Goes toward door.] [Exit Nora. 

Uncle. Osteopath, eh? Where did you get him? 

Irene. It isn't a him — it's a her. 

Uncle. Well, her? 

Irene. Mrs. Jenks recommended her to me. 
She's a great invalid, you know. 

Uncle. And does osteopathy benefit her? 
[601 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Oh, no, she's worse than ever. [Going. 

Uncle. Irene [She stops.] Do you think 

it's quite fair to Miss Ladew? 

Irene. What do you mean? <' 

Uncle. For you to go on with all your medicines 
and treatments? 

Irene. I don't think I understand you. 

Uncle. Suppose that some one of these various 
remedial agents that you employ should benefit you? 

Irene. Well? 

Uncle. Suppose they were to cure you? Sup- 
pose you should not die? Nice fix Miss Ladew would 
be in. 

Irene. I never thought of that. 

Uncle. You've made a contract with her. It's 
up to you to deliver the goods. 

Irene. Then you think 

Uncle. I think that as a woman of honor you 
ought to throw away your powders and your medi- 
cines, discharge your staff of doctors, bounce them 
all bag and baggage. 

Irene [Faintly]. Oh, Uncle John 

Uncle. It's only common honesty. 

Irene. But, Uncle John, I — I — didn't really 
promise to die, did I? 

[61] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. My dear girl, I'm surprised — yes — and 
pained. These quibbles are unworthy of you. 

Irene. But I only said "if." 

Uncle. You know perfectly well that it was 
quite understood. 

Irene [Almost in tears, finally makes up her mind 
to a great renunciation, and sits on settee]. V-v- 
very well. 



Enter Nora /rom the hall. 



Nora. The ostypath- 



Irene. You may dismiss the osteopath and say 
to her that I shall not require her services in fu- 
ture. 

Nora. Excuse me, ma'am, but she's already gone. 

Irene. What? 

Nora. Yes, ma'am. She seemed displeased at 
being kept waiting, and she said I was to tell you 
that she would not return. 

Irene. Oh, very well; you may go, Nora. 

Nora. And if you please, ma'am, she left her 
bill. [Proffers Irene the bill.] 

Irene. Put it on my desk. 

Nora. Yes, ma'am. [Lays bill on desk at R. arid 
goes out into the hall.] 

[62] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene [Rising]. The insolence! 
Uncle. There, so that's over and, whatever 
happens, you will at least have the satisfaction of 
knowing that you leave Stuart provided for. 

Irene. Yes — ^yes. [Tearfully.] Emily's just the 
one I wanted. She'll be good to him, she's kind and 

thoughtful, and — and 

Uncle. And dowdy. 

Irene. Oh, of course, Stuart could never care 
for anybody but me. 

Uncle. Especially for such a colorless little 
thing as Miss Ladew, eh? 

[Voices of Stuart and Miss Ladew are heard 
off rear.] 
Hello, isn't that Stuart's voice? 
Irene. Yes, yes, it's he. 

[Hurries up to door into the hall and meets Stu- 
art, who is showing Miss Ladew in. Miss 
Ladew is dressed in the extreme height of fash- 
ion^ in direct contrast in every way with her 
appearance in Act I; her manner is gay and 
animated; she comes down to Uncle J., 
who is in front of settee; Stuart remains up 
by door embracing Irene, who does not at 
first take Miss Ladew in at all.] 
[631 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Stuart. Hello, little woman, how have you been, 
eh? Have you been a good girl while I was away? 

Miss Ladew [To Uncle J.]. Well, sir, how do 
you like me this afternoon? 

Uncle. When last I saw you, you made a re- 
mark about old maids 

[Stuart and Irene are coming down. 

Miss Ladew. Well, I've changed my mind. 
[Irene sees Emily and is clearly shocked.] 

Uncle. So I observe. 

Stuart. Wasn't it jolly. Uncle John? When I 
got off the train whom should I see but Miss Ladew? 

Miss Ladew. Yes, I happened to be driving by. 

Irene [Sardonically]. Really? 

Miss Ladew. Yes. Wasn't it odd? 

Irene. Very. 

Stuart. And the lady was kind enough to drive 
me over, so here I am. [Goes to Uncle J.] Well, 
Uncle John, what's been going on in my absence? 

Miss Ladew [Goes to Stuart]. Oh, we've been 
very gay without you. By the by, I have a bone 
to pick with you. 

Stuart. Oh, yes, I know. I ran away after 
having invited you to all sorts of sprees. But you 
got my letter, of course? 

[64] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene [Gasps guiltily]. Letter? 

Miss Ladew. I did not. 

Stuart. You didn't! [Miss L. turns, looks at 
Irene.] Why, I left a note explaining that I had 
suddenly been summoned to the city on imperative 
business. 

Miss Ladew. Strange! 

Stuart. Irene, you sent it to Miss Ladew, didn't 
you? 

Irene. Of course. 

Miss L. I didn't get it. I had begun to think 
you faithless, like all the rest. 

Stuart. Ha, ha! No wonder — why, to be sure. 
But I assure you I am less fickle than the polar 
star. 

[Miss L. and Stuart cross L. chatting together.] 

Uncle [Aside to Irene]. You didn't send the 
note, I suppose? 

Irene [Between her teeth]. She happened to he driv- 
ing by. 

Uncle. I suppose you didn't send the note? 
[Irene shakes her head guiltily.] 
Why not? 

Irene. I — I — I don't know. 

Uncle. Don't you see you are doing everything 
[65] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



you can to upset your own plans? You want her to 
like Stuart, don't you? 

Irene. Well, I did ! 

Uncle. Then why do a thing calculated to cause 
misunderstanding? Don't you know that love is a 
sensitive blossom; that the slightest roughness will 
rub away its fragile, delicate bloom? 

Irene [Irritably]. Who said anything about love? 
[Miss L. and Stuart hurst into laughter.] 

Miss Ladew. No, really, you are quite too ab- 
surd. Upon my word, you are. 

Stuart. But I mean every word of it. Really I 
do. [They stroll up to the window.] 

Irene. She happened to be driving Uncle 

John, that woman is a viper ! 

Uncle. My dear! 

Irene. A viper, a viper, I tell you ! 

Uncle. Why, I think she's charming. 

Irene. Of course she is. [Getting more angry 
every moment.] That's exactly what I mean. She's 
a viper. I took her into my bosom and now she's 
turned and stung me. Look at them ! 

[Miss L. is gazing coquettishly into Stuart's 
eyes and he is looking laughingly into her 
hers.] 

[66] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Well! 

Irene. ^ATiy, she's not the same woman at all. 

Uncle. Well, she is a bit improved. 

Irene. Improved? Why, she's positively fas- 
cinating. If I had known, do you think I — why it's 
— it's — monstrous ! 

[Miss L. and Stuart stroll out through the 

windoivs and exit L. laughing and chatting.] 

There they go! [Following to the French ivindow.] 

Look at them — before my very eyes, and on my 

birthday, too. You see he's forgotten. 

Uncle. She isn't exactly dowdy, is she? 

Irene. Dowdy, dowdy? Why — she — she's a 
viper, I tell you, a viper! 

Uncle. My poor Irene! 

Irene. She's clever. Yes, she's clever, but she's 
made one mistake. She showed me that she's clever 
and it's not yet too late. 

Uncle. Why, my dear girl ! 

Irene. You think I'd let that woman marry my 
husband? 

Uncle. Eh? 

Irene. I guess not ! 

Uncle. But I thought 

Irene. But don't you see I didn't know? 
[671 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. What, that she was attractive? 

Irene. Oh, it isn't that, it isn't that, it's the 
deceit — the underhandedness of the creature. She 
came to me looking Hke a heartbroken little sparrow. 
I took her in 

Uncle J. And she took you in? 

Irene. And pitied her and now she turns out a 
regular bird of paradise. 

Uncle. First she was a viper and now she's a 
bird. 

Irene. Well, so she is. But viper — or — or 

Uncle. Or bird 

Irene. Or bird — she shall never, never marry 
my husband ! [Goes to settee and sits determinedly. 

Uncle. I don't see how you're going to prevent it. 

Irene. You'll see. 

Uncle. Besides, it's all arranged. You per- 
suaded her against her own better judgment. 

Irene [Rises], Don't remind me of it. 

Uncle. And you just turned Richard against 
her. 

Irene. I? — You know very well it was you who 
did it. 

Uncle. I like that. When I told him she was 
engaged you said, "Oh, yes, Richard, she told me so 
[68] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



herself." And when he asked if it was some one 
he knew, didn't you say, "Yes, I believe so, isn't he. 
Uncle John?" 

Irene. She happened to be driving by! Yes, yes, 
yes, to be sure. Uncle John, you're not really set 
upon this — this thing, are you.'^ 

Uncle. What thing, my dear? 

Irene. You wouldn't mind if this — this arrange- 
ment I made with Emily were broken off? 

Uncle. Why, my dear girl! 

Irene. There, there. You wouldn't, would you? 

Uncle. My dear Irene, it's impossible for a stupid 
old fellow like me to keep pace with the marvellous 
mutations of your brain. 

Irene. I've thought of something. Of course 
you'll stay here to tea? 

Uncle. I had that intention. 

Irene. That's good, that's good. And I'll ask 
— that creature — ^yes, I will — but — but there's 
Stuart. 

Uncle. What about Stuart? Of course he'll be 
here, too. 

Irene. That's the trouble. I don't want him 



here. 

Uncle. Eh? 



69] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. No. Can't you — can't you think of 
some way to get him away.f^ 

Uncle. I could take him to the club. 

Irene. Oh, but I want you, I need you. 

Uncle [Mockingly]. I'll use a little diplomacy. 
I'll just say to him, "Now, Stuart, my boy, your wife. 
Miss Ladew, and I are going to take tea here, but 
you're not. You're going over to the club." 

Irene. Yes, that will do. 

Enter Stuart and Miss Ladew through the French 
windows. 

Stuart [To Miss L.] It's a fact, I assure you. 
I have never seen such a sight. There they were 
hand in hand, eyes in eyes, soul reading soul, and 
never had an idea 

Uncle. Stuart! 

Stuart [Suddenly observes Uncle J. and Irene]. 
Ah, my dear, there you are. I was just telling Miss 

Ladew [Suddenly looks at his watch.] By Jove, 

I'm awfully sorry, but I've got to run along. Char- 
lie Johnson of the Larchmont Regatta Committee is 
here; you know him — dear old Charlie. I've got 
to show him some of the sights. You won't mind, 
will you? 

[701 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Oh, no, not in the least, if dear Emily- 
will stay with us. 

Stuart. You will, won't you. Miss Ladew, as a 
favor to me — to us? You can't think how bored I 
am to have to leave you. 

Miss Ladew. Try to bear up under your afflic- 
tion, won't you? 

Uncle. Stuart is a brave lad. 

Stuart. I'll do the best I can, and don't forget 
you're going to the races with us. [Goes to Irene.] 
My dear, she's splendid; it's no trouble at all to be 
nice to her. Au revoir, everybody. [As he goes out 
into the hall he encounters Dick, almost bumping into 
him.] I beg your pardon, Dick! [Dick glares at 
him without speaking.] 

Uncle. Ah, Richard! 

Miss Ladew. Good afternoon, Dick. 

Irene. Excuse me, everybody. I must go and 
see about tea. [She goes out into the hall, remarking] : 
She happened to be driving 

Miss Ladew [To Richard]. You don't seem to 
be very gay this afternoon. Too long at the club 
last night, eh? Ah, sir, those who dance at night 
must pay the fiddler in the morning. 

Uncle. It's the way of the world. 
[71] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. Nothing of the sort, I assure you. 

Miss Ladew. Didn't the little ball fall right 
for you? 

Richard [Shortly]. I didn't play. 

Uncle [Embarrassed]. Er — I think I see a man I 
know ! [He escapes through the French window. 

Miss Ladew [Sitting down on the settee]. Well, 
Dick, come and tell me all about it. 

Richard. About what, if you please .^^ 

Miss Ladew. Whatever it is. Something trou- 
bles you. Come and sob your woes out on Mother's 
— that is to say — come and tell me. 

[Richard gives a gesture of impatience.] 
Better; you've no idea how relieved you'd feel. 

Richard [Goes to R. end of settee]. You really 
want to know-f* 

Miss Ladew. Oh, leave me out of it. It's your 
happiness I'm thinking of. 

Richard. Are you, I wonder? [Sits R. of her. 

Miss Ladew. My dear Dick! 

Richard. The fact is — I beg your pardon 

Miss Ladew. Eh? [Puts her left hand on 
Richard's arm; he looks at it closely.] 

Richard. You wear no ring? 

Miss Ladew. No. I took it off in Geneva. 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. Geneva? [Taking her hand.] Ah, yes, 
Geneva. [Drops her hand suddenly.] I wish to God 
I'd never seen you ! 

Miss Ladew. What an uncomplimentary speech ! 

Richard. Yes, yes, I dare say ! 

Miss Ladew. My dear Dick, whatever is the 
matter with you? 

Richard. The matter is — that I love you — love 
you with all my heart, and — and 

Miss Ladew. Well, that needn't make you rude, 
need it? [Putting her hand on his arm.] 

Richard [Roughly]. Where's your ring? 

Miss Ladew. I told you I took it off in Geneva. 

Richard. Not that — not my ring. The other 
ring — his ring. 

Miss Ladew. His ring — whose ring? 

Richard. Oh, I don't know his name. They 
wouldn't tell me. 

Miss Ladew [Rising, beginning to comprehend]. 
Oh, so they told you I was engaged. 

Richard [Rising]. Are you or are you not? 

Miss Ladew. Well, in a sort of way I — I sup- 
pose I am. 

Richard. In a sort of way! Good heavens, 
don't you know? 

173] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Miss Ladew. Well — ^yes, I suppose I am. 

Richard. Why didn't you tell me? 

Miss Ladew. Well, you see, it was supposed to 
be a secret. Only three persons knew of it — your 
uncle, Irene, and I. 

Richard. And the man 

Miss Ladew. Oh, dear me, no, he doesn't know. 

Richard [With a roar of amazement], W^hat? 

Miss Ladew. Ah, no, that would never do at all. 

Richard [Gasping]. What on earth do you 

Miss Ladew. Well, there were reasons why we — 
why I couldn't take him into my confidence at pres- 
ent. 

Richard. Reasons.^ Good Lord! 

Miss Ladew. You see the circumstances were 
rather unusual — a trifle unconventional, in fact. 

Richard. Unconventional? Good grief! 

Miss Ladew. Why, my dear Dick, how de- 
monstrative you are ! 

Richard [Approaches her and gazes anxiously at 
her as if a new idea had struck him]. My dear 
Emily, are you quite well? 

Miss Ladew I never felt better. And only yes- 
terday you assured me that I never looked better. 
[74] 



HER HUSBAND^S WIFll 



I hope you haven't changed your mind. [She sits 
at the piano and drums gently.] 

Richard. I think I am losing it. 

Miss Ladew. Well, there is certainly some ex- 
ternal evidence in favor of that theory. 

Richard. Did I understand you correctly? You 
say you are engaged — [she nods] — and your fiance 
doesn't know it. 

Miss Ladew. Quite correct, my dear Dick. 

Richard. There is one more question I'd like 
to ask. 

Miss Ladew. Speak up, Dickie dear 

Richard. Will he know it when he marries you? 
[She laughs delightedly; Dick rushes blindly 
out at the French windows, narrowly missing 
Uncle John as he comes in.] 

Uncle. My dear Miss Ladew, what have you 
been doing to our poor Richard? 

Miss Ladew. Ha, ha, ha! He did seem a trifle 
upset, didn't he? 

Uncle. If I hadn't dodged just when I did, I'd 
been upset, I can tell you. What the mischief hap- 
pened? 

Miss Ladew. I was merely confirming a report 
that had come to his ears. 

[75] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Ha! He told you, then, the scoundrel! 
Miss Ladew. Did you really think he wouldn't? 

Uncle. Why, he promised us 

Miss Ladew. Ha ! 

Enter Irene from the hall, followed by Nora with 
tray of tea-things. 

Irene. Place it here, Nora. 

[The three sit about the table, Irene behind it, 
the others R. and L.] 
[To Miss Ladew.] It was so sweet of you to stay. 
Will you have sugar? 

Miss Ladew. One lump, please. 

Irene. Cream or lemon? 

Miss Ladew. Lemon. 

Irene [To Uncle J. significantly]. Lemon! Will 
you have cream? 

Uncle. Yes, please. [They sip their tea.] 

Irene [To Miss Ladew]. We haven't seen much 
of you since Stuart went away. 

Miss Ladew. No. The fact is, I have been 
rather busy. 

Uncle. Quite so. [To Irene.] Didn't I tell 
you, my dear, that she has been busy? 

Irene. Yes. He said you had been busy I 
[76] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. I thought that must be the reason. 

Miss Ladew. Precisely. But of course I thought 
you must be wanting to see me about that Uttle 
matter of my engagement to your husband. 

Irene. Why — yes. 

Miss Ladew. So I dropped in to reassure you 

Irene [Faintly]. To reassure me.^ 

Miss Ladew. Yes. Just to let you know it's all 
right. 

Irene. All right? 

Miss Ladew [Cheerfully]. To be sure. Don't 
be downhearted, my dear friend, I will marry your 
husband. 

Uncle. Noble girl! 

Miss Ladew. Not at all. I'm beginning to 
think it might not be so bad after all. 

Irene [Recovering herself and gathering her wits 
for the onslaught]. It's awfully, awfully kind of you, 
I'm sure, my dear Emily. 

Miss Ladew. Oh, not in the least. Now that 
I've seen Stuart again I'm sure it will be quite easy. 

Irene [Wincing]. Oh, but it is — it is kind of you, 
all the same. Still, I've been thinking since I saw 
you that perhaps I've been a little selfish about it. 

Miss Ladew. Oh, not at all, my dear. 
[771 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. It's most sweet of you to say so, but — 
but I'm afraid I have. I begin to fear that it was a 
great liberty on my part. I was so anxious for 
Stuart's happiness that I'm afraid I didn't think 
enough of yours. 

Miss Ladew. What do you mean? 

Irene. Well, the truth is, Stuart is sometimes 
very trying, isn't he. Uncle John.'^ 

Uncle. Most men are trying — and few succeed- 
ing. 

Irene. You see, dear [Pronouncing the 

word as if she were delivering a stab between the fifth 
and sixth ribs.] I think it will only be fair to you 
to let you know the worst about him. 

Mms hABEW [Cheerfully]. All right. What is it? 

Irene. He — he has a temper. 

Miss Ladew. I wouldn't give a Christmas card 
for a man who hasn't. 

Irene. No, to be sure, quite so, indeed. But 
Stuart is, to say the least, impulsive — sometimes 
violent, now and then extremely violent. 

Miss Ladew. Good! Good! Lord, how I hate 
a milksop ! 

Irene [Winciiigy but nerving herself to her task]. 
You'll understand, my dear Emily, how painful it is 
[78] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



for me to say these things to you about Stuart, but 
I feel you are entitled to know the truth. The 
truth is that sometimes the slightest trifle will drive 
him perfectly wild. 

[Uncle John getting amazed, she subdues him 
with a look.] 
One morning at breakfast I put too much cream in 
his coffee, and what do you think he did? 

Miss Ladew. I don't know. Swore, maybe. 

Irene. [Solemnly]. He threw it at me! 

Miss Ladew [Sees Uncle John's look of mingled 
comprehension and puzzlement, comprehends Irene's 
scheme at a glance, chokes a laugh in her napkin]. 
Dear me! And what did you do? 

Irene. I burst into tears and left the room! 

Miss Ladew. That was a mistake. I should 
have replied with the sugar bowl. You'll see how 
/ will manage him; that is, of course you won't see, 
but Mr. Belden will, I hope. 

Irene. Oh — ^h — ^h — ^h 

Miss Ladew. You'll come and visit us often, 
won't you, dear Mr. Belden? 

Uncle [Genially]. Charmed, I'm sure. 

Miss Ladew. May I call you " Uncle "? It will 
only be anticipating a little. 
[791 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. But I haven't told you all. 

Miss Ladew. No? 

Irene. No. That's not the worst, not by any 
means. He poisoned Choco, my poor little angel 
of a French poodle. 

Miss Ladew. Poisoned your dog ! 

Irene. Because the little fellow barked and 
kept him awake. 

Uncle. Why, Irene, I thought you wrote me 
that a trolley car killed Choco. 

Irene [Irritably]. So I did, I did. I couldn't 
let any one suspect the truth, could I? 

Uncle. But you're telling about it now. 

Miss Ladew. Out of a stern sense of duty to me. 
Don't you see, Mr. Belden? 

Uncle. Of course. What an ass I am! 

Miss Ladew. Yes. 

Uncle. I beg your pardon! 

Miss Ladew. What did you do when he poisoned 
the dog? 

Irene. Do? Oh — why, I cried all night. 

Miss Ladew. She cried all night. Do you hear 

that, Mr. Belden? Dear, dear, dear, my poor girl! 

Cried all night! You know what you should have 

done? You should have sent for your maid, packed 

[80] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



all your trunks, put on your prettiest frock and hat, 
and announced your intention of walking out of the 
house, never, never, never to return. 

Irene. But suppose he let me go? 

Miss Ladew. But he wouldn't, if he really loved 
you. I am assuming, of course, that he does love 
you. 

Irene [Indignantly]. The idea! Love me? I 
should think he does. Love me, indeed! 

Uncle. Love me, love my dog. 

Miss Ladew. Very well, then, and when you 
had thus brought him to his senses you should have 
insisted upon his buying you the most expensive 
French poodle to be had for money, a winner at all 
the big bench shows, a champion of champions, — 
nothing less. 

Irene. Well, it's too late now. 

Miss Ladew. Well, anything else? 

Irene. Yes, and worse. 

Miss Ladew. Really ! 

Irene [Launching her final thunderbolt]. He — he 
drinks! [They all rise. 

Miss Ladew. Drinks ! 

Irene. Horribly ! 

Miss Ladew [Indignantly, to Uncle John]. Mr. 
181] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Belden, you knew of this. Why have you concealed 
it from me? 

Uncle. But, my dear young lady 

Miss Ladew. You would have wed me to a dip- 
somaniac.'^ 

Uncle. I assure you I never saw him drunk in 
my life. 

Irene [Much cheered, despite these disgraceful rev- 
elations]. Ah, that's just his underhand way, and 
when he drinks he gets positively beside himself; 
why, on several occasions he has actually beaten me ! 

Uncle. What.? 

Irene. It's the truth. [Joyously.] You've no 
idea how it hurts me to have to tell you this, but 
it's only fair to you. Only the other night he came 
home in a disgraceful state, and when I spoke to him 
about it — he — he — well — just you look at that! 
[Triumphantly shows Miss L. the black and blue 
mark on her wrist.] 

Uncle. Well, I'll be 

Miss Ladew. And you endured it without com- 
plaint, I suppose? 

Irene. My dear, how could a wife tell such a 
thing of her husband? 

Miss Ladew. You're an angel — positively an 
[821 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



angel — too much of an angel altogether for a man 
like that. Well, is there anything more? 

Irene. No — no, nothing more. That is, only 
more of the same sort of brutality. So, now, my 
dear, you know it all. Of course, after this, I could 
not expect to hold you to your promise. No 
woman could. I'm sorry, but it can't be helped, so 
I release you from your promise. 

Miss Ladew. Nonsense! Don't be so down- 
hearted. What that man needs is a strong hand — - 
kind, yes, but firm, firm. You shall be revenged, 
I promise you. I'll tame the wretch; yes, I'll tame 
him! 

Irene [Faintly]. Thank you, dearest, but I really 
couldn't expect it of you. 

Miss Ladew. Marry him? I should think I 
would. Why, it makes him positively fascinating. 
[Sees Stuart's photo on piano and picks it up.] 

Irene. Oh — oh! 

Miss Ladew [Looking at photograph]. He doesn't 
seem to have such a brutal face, after all. It only 
goes to show you never can tell. Ah, these men, 
these men. [Lays down photograph. Goes to Irene.] 
You poor abused girl, make yourself quite easy. 
I will be your avenger. 

[83] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene [Miserably]. Th-th- thank you, d-d-darl- 
ing. [She turns to Uncle John for comfort; enter 
Richard from French window.] 

Miss Ladew [Suddenly]. Richard Benden, do 
you know what's been going on here? 

Richard. Eh? 

Irene [Panic-stricken]. Oh, Emily, I beg of you, 
not a word; I 

Miss Ladew. Silence ! I won't stand by and see 
you abused. [To Richard.] Do you know that 
your brother-in-law is a brute? 

Richard. Stuart a brute? 

Miss Ladew. Is it possible that you have been 
living under the same roof with your sister and 
didn't know it? 

Irene. Oh, I beg of you 

Richard. What the deuce do you mean? 

Miss Ladew. I mean that your brother-in-law 
is a wife-beater. 

Richard. Nonsense! 

Miss Ladew. It's a fact. Your poor sister has 
just told us. 

Richard. Irene, is this true? 

Miss Ladew [To Irene]. No, you shall not 
shield the monster. [Goes to Irene, takes her handy 
[841 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



shows Richard the bruise on the wrist.] Do you see 
this mark? Ask your poor sister who did it? 

Richard. Irene, my poor sister, who did it? 

Irene. Oh, Uncle John ! [Buries her head on his 
shoulder.] 

Uncle. You see, Richard, there is a sort of mis- 
understanding about it. In a way he did it, and in 
a way he didn't. You see Irene was standing in the 
doorway when Stuart, not knowing she was there 

Miss Ladew. You mean well, Mr. Belden, but 
I really can't stand by and witness this injustice. 
Mrs. Randolph has just told us in plain terms that 
her husband came home drunk and beat her. 

Richard. Irene! 

Irene [The picture of helpless misery]. You 
heard what — Uncle John said. 

Richard. I see. My poor little girl! The 
brute, the brute 

Stuart [Heard outside]. All right, Nora, let me 
know when he comes. 

Enter Stuart /rom the hall. 

Well, I got rid of my man as soon as I could. 

[Irene turns from him to Uncle J.] 
Richard . Scoundrel ! 

[85] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Stcart. Eh? 
Richard. Cad! ! 
Stuart. What? 
Richard. Brute! ! ! 

[Rushes at Stuart; Uncle J. stops him.] 

Uncle. For heaven's sake, Richard 

Richard. How dare you protect him! 
Stuart [Amazed]. What in the name 



Richard. Don't try to deceive me, I've been 
hoodwinked long enough. Oh, don't be afraid, you're 
safe enough here, but we shall meet again, and when 
we do, look out for yourself, you beater of women. 

[He rushes angrily out. Stuart gazes blankly 
around at the others.] 
Stuart. Poor Dick, what the dickens ails him? 
Has he gone mad? Irene, dear, tell me, what it all 
means. 

P[RENE embraces him, then tears herself from his 

arms and rushes out of door L. 1 Ey closing 

and locking it behind her. Stuart rushes 

into Uncle J.'s arms, he throws Uncle J. on 

settee and rushes to door, tries to open it, 

shakes it, finds it locked.] 

Stuart. Irene, I say Irene. [There's no answer.] See 

here, Uncle John, what the devil does all this mean? 

[86] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Fie! Fie! Ladies present, Stuart, ladies 
present. 

Stuart. Ladies be hanged [To Miss 

Ladew.] meaning no disrespect to you, of course. 
Will you tell me what this is all about, sir? 

Uncle, I — I really think I 

Miss Ladew. If I were in your place, Mr. Belden, 
I should think very carefully before speaking. 

Uncle. Yes, yes — I think that would be better, 
I must think. Now, if you could give me a day or 
two to think. 

Stuart. Day or two to think .^ Are you out of 
your mind? Day or two nothing! Can't you tell 
me in plain English what this devil's nonsense is all 
about? 

Miss Ladew [To Uncle J.]. He has got atemper, 

Stuart. Got a temper, who wouldn't have a 
temper? [To Miss L., L. of table.] Just wait until 
you're accused of beating your wife. 

Miss Ladew. Haven't got a wife 

Stuart. Well, your husband, then. 

Miss Ladew. Haven't got a husband. 

Stuart. Well, then your fiance, if you've got 
one. Temper, is it, why not? Here's a happy 
husband comes gayly home, his brother-in-law calls 
[871 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



him a scoundrel, assaults him, and gallops away. 
His wife bursts into tears and locks the door on him, 
and his wife's uncle and friend decline to give any 
information. [Rushes to door, tries to open it.] 
Irene, Irene, dear! 

[No answer: angrily kicks door; injures his 

foot, grabs it in his hand, hops on one leg to 

L. of table, saying]: 

Oh, oh, oh! Look here now, you've got to 

straighten this out. Uncle John, I appeal to you, 

what the devil is it all about? 

Uncle. Am I to understand that you deny beat- 
ing your wife? 

Stuart. Beating my wife? Good God, yes, of 
course, I deny it. 

Miss Ladew. Naturally, he would. 

Uncle. Yes, naturally. 

Stuart. See here, sir. Perhaps you will at 
least be good enough to tell an inquiring husband 
whether you ever saw him beat his wife? 

Uncle. I — er — I decline to answer. 

Stuart. What? [Collapses in chair L. of 
table.] 

Uncle. I won't even say that I did not see you 



beat her. 



[88] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Stuart. Oh! Oh! Oh! Good Lord, he won't 
say even that. Good Lord! See here. Perhaps 
you will be willing to go as far as to say whether you 
told Dick that I beat her? 

[Rushes at Uncle J. Uncle J. hastily swings 
around to R. of Miss Ladew.] 

Uncle. Well, yes, I think I may strain a point 
and tell you that I did not tell him that. 

Stuart. Very good of you, I am sure. [To Miss 
L. sharply.] Did you tell him? 

Miss Ladew. I — er — I told him that somebody 
told me that you beat her. 

Stuart. Who told you? 

Miss Ladew. Who told me? 

Stuart. Can't you hear me? Yes, I said who 
told you? 

Miss Ladew. The — er — the same person who 
told — Mr. Belden. 

Stuart [To Uncle J.]. And who, if you please, 
told you? 

Uncle. Why — er — I — I can't seem to remember. 

Stuart. Can't remember? Do you think I'm a 
fool? 

Uncle J. Oh, yes — now I remember. 

Stuart. I should think so. 
[891 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. I — it was the same person who told — 
Miss Ladew. 

Stuart. Oh, Lord! 

Uncle. I suppose you don't remember throwing 
a cup of coffee at her? 

Stuart. What? 

Miss Ladew. Because she put too much cream in 
it. 

Stuart. Ridiculous ! 

Uncle. And I suppose you don't remember 
poisoning poor little Choco either? 

Stuart. Nonsense, the dog was killed by a 
trolley car. 

Miss Ladew\ Ah, that's what you made her say. 

Stuart. See here, you're crazy. 

Uncle. And she did it to save her pride. 

Stuart. Oh, this is some horrible nightmare. 

Uncle [Affected almost to tears]. Poor Irene! 

[Miss Ladew crosses to him, they weep in each 
other^s arms.] 

Stuart [In great exasperation]. You know, I 
think I should be justified in spanking the pair of 
you. 

Miss Ladew. Sir! 

Uncle. Dear me ! 

[90] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Stuart. Curse me if I haven't half a notion to 
do it. 

Uncle. I scarcely think it would be advisable. 

Stuart. It would be nothing more than you de- 
serve. 

Miss Ladew. You can't spank me. I'm not 
your wife yet. 

Stuart. No, thank God. 

[Returns to Irene's door; tries to open it.] 

Uncle [To Miss L.], Do you want to be 
spanked? 

Miss Ladew. No — o — o — o — o! 

Uncle. Then scoot. 

[Miss L. rushes out through French window. 
Stuart gets chair from L. of table, slams it 
down in front of Irene's door, sits in it.\ 

Stuart. Irene, here I am and here I stay 
till you come out ! 

Irene [Moaning faintly in her room]. Oh — h — 
h— h ! 

Uncle [Slamming down another chair and sitting 
in it]. Don't be afraid of him, Irene, I'm here, too. 

Stuart [In supreme disgust]. Bah! 



Quick Curtain 
[91] 



ACT III 



ACT III 

Time: Seven o'clock the same evening. 

Discovered: At rise. Uncle J. and Stuart are dis- 
covered just where they were at the curtain of Act II. 
Uncle J. looks cool and comfortable and lies back 
in his chair pleasantly smoking a long cigar. Stuart 
buries his face in his hands, cuckoo clock strikes 
seven. Stuart rises, throws a book at clock and 
says, '*Oh,shut up!'' then comes back to Irene's door 
and speaks. 

Stuart. Irene — Irene dear, please let me in. 
[No answer.] Irene, my darling, I must see you. 
There's some terrible mistake. Can't you see I'm 
nearly crazy over it? Do let me in! 

Irene [Miserably], Oh, please, please go away. 

Uncle. [To Stuart], Yes, for heaven's sake 
go away! 

Stuart [To Irene with a glare at Uncle]. But 
good heavens, how can I go away with everything in 
[95 1 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



this horrible mess? Let me in, dear, I must speak 
with you. 

[No answer. He faces about, in despair.] 
Stuart. Oh, you! 

Uncle. It's going to be a pleasant evening. 
Stuart. Ha ! 

Uncle. We could be very comfortable here, if 
we could only arrange about meals. 
Stuart. Meals! 

[Goes through French windows and stands out- 
side. Enter Nora from the hall. She is 
crossing to L.] 
Uncle. Nora! 
Nora. Yes, sir. 

Uncle. I have thirst. I should like a highball. 
I think the makings are over there somewhere. 
[Pointing.] 
Nora. Yes, sir. 

[Brings tray with glasses, decanter, siphon, etc., 
from console table L. U. , puts them on table L. C] 
Uncle [Rises, mixing himself a highball]. Will 
you join me, Stuart? 
Stuart. I will not. 

Uncle. Ah, no more rum for you. Well, after 
all that's happened, it's just as well. 
[96] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Nora. If you please, sir, dinner is served. 

[Goes out. 
Uncle. Dinner, eh? 

[Stuart comes in again and goes to Uncle J.] 
Stuart. See here, how much longer are you 
going to keep up this tomfoolery? 

Uncle. I don't know. How much longer are 
you? 
Stuart. Bah! 

[Turns away in disgust, when enter Richard 
at rear. He is perfectly quiet and self-con- 
trolled, hut wears a determined air.] 
Stuart. Thank heaven, here's some one I can 
meet on even terms. Two words with you, sir. 
You are my wife's brother. I have the honor to 

demand 

Richard [Interrupting]. One moment! Before 
anything is said that will make matters still worse, 
I desire to state my position. When last I saw you, 
I made a threat. 

Stuart. You did, sir. 

Richard. I desire to withdraw it for the present. 
Stuart. I should think so. 

Richard. There has been enough violence in 
this household. 

[97] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Stuart. Sir 

Richard. Whatever you may have done- 



Stuart. But, good gad! I haven't done a 
damned thing! 

Richard. Whatever you may have done, I say, 
it cannot be corrected by further violence on my 
part. It only remains to determine what's to be 
done next. 

Stuart [Ironically]. May I inquire how you 
propose to dispose of my affairs? 

Richard. I propose to assist my sister in the 
disposition of her affairs. To do that it is necessary 
for me to see her. 

Stuart. I ask nothing better. I've been trying 
to see her for one whole accursed hour. 

Richard. And, of course, she won't see you? - 

Stuart. Damn it ! No ! 

Richard. Under the circumstances do you think 
it strange? 

Stuart [Turning away]. Oh, I shall go mad! 

Uncle. Stuart, I think, under the circumstances, 
you had better leave us. 

Stuart. No, sir! I decline to leave this room 
until I know from her own lips the details of the 
charge made against me. 

[98] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. But, my dear fellow, you say yourself 
that she won't even see you. Come, be reasonable. 
Make some allowance for her state of mind. 

Stuart. Allowance be damned! Is anybody 
making any allowance for my state of mind, I should 
like to know? 

Uncle. Come, come, run along, like a good 
fellow. Give me a chance to use my — er — good 
offices. How the devil can I do anything with you 
two chaps glaring at each other like a couple of bull 
terriers in a ring? 

Stuart. What do you mean? 

Uncle. Hsh! Give me a chance! 

Stuart. But, you said 

Uncle. I know! I know I did, but you won't 
hold an old man to account for every little word. 

Stuart. Then you don't believe I'm such a 
brute? 

Uncle. Well, possibly not an unmitigated brute! 

Richard [Impatiently]. Well, are you going to 
allow me to see my sister, or are you not? 

Stuart [Going close to him and almost spitting the 
words in his face]. Yes! But not at your request, 
sir! 

Richard. It is perfectly immaterial to me at 
[991 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



whose request you do it, so long as you do do it. 
[They glare at each other a moment.] 

Stuart. Well, I'm going, but I'll have you know 
that I'll make somebody sweat for this before I'm 
done! 

[He goes out angrily into the hall. Richard 
then goes up to Irene's door and knocks.] 

Richard. Irene, Irene, it's I. It's Dickie. I 
want to see you. 

Irene. Oh, dear, I can't come out. I don't 
want to see anybody. 

Richard. But you must! It's most important. 

Irene. Is Stuart there? 

Richard. No. He's just gone. 

Irene. Oh, dear. All right, I'll come in a moment. 

Richard [Turning to Uncle J.]. Now, sir, how 
much do you know about this affair .f* 

Uncle [Uncomfortably]. Well — er — not very 
much. 

Richard. No wonder poor little Sis was depressed 
and out of sorts. How long do you suppose this 
hellish business has been going on, anyhow? 

Uncle. You'll have to ask her that. 

Richard. I mean to. How long have you known 
about it? 

flOOl 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. About an hour and a half. 

Richard. So she told you, eh? 

Uncle. Well, not precisely. She told Miss La- 
dew when I was present. 

Richard. Hm! It seems everybody knew about 
it but me. I suppose you'd all have let me go on in 
ignorance of it, if it hadn't been for Miss Ladew. 

Uncle. Well, candidly, I don't think it was 
exactly wise to tell you. If you hadn't made such a 
row we could probably have patched it up somehow. 

Richard. Humph! The only thing that'll be 
patched up is Stuart, and it'll take a surgeon to do 
that. 

Uncle. You mean? 

Richard. Never mind what I mean. 

Uncle. Um — er — well — er — I wouldn't be hasty, 
if I were you. 

Richard. Hasty ! Humph ! 

Uncle. Well, I wouldn't. Maybe we can 
straighten it out. Maybe things aren't so bad after 
aU. 

Richard. Do you dare sit there and defend that 
scoundrel? 

Uncle. No — o — not precisely — but perhaps he 
isn't so black as he's painted. 
[101] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. What the deuce are you driving at? 
Uncle. Well, what I mean is 

[Enter Irene. Richard goes to her. Her 
eyes are red from weeping and she does not 
dare look anybody in the face.] 

Richard [About to comfort her]. My poor little 
Sis! 

Irene. Oh, please don't anybody pet me. I 
shall die if you do. Look at my eyes. I'm a per- 
fect fright. Oh, I can't talk to you, really I can't — 
I can't — I can't. 

Richard. Nonsense! You must — don't you see, 
you must. Something's got to be done. 
Uncle. Yes, tell him. 
Irene. Must I? Oh, well, if I must, I must. 

[Reluctantly she goes to the settee and sits beside 
Richard, Uncle John at her other side.] 
Richard. Come now. Sis. Tell me all about it. 
When did this horrible business begin? 

[Irene looks at him for a moment^ opens her 

mouth to speak, chokes up, buries her face 

in her handkerchief, and begins to sob on 

Richard's shoulder.] 

Uncle [Beginning to beat a cowardly retreat toward 

[102] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



the French windows], I think 1*11 have to be going. 
I've an appointment. 

Irene [Pursuing him]. Uncle John, if you dare, 
I'll never speak to you again! 

[Uncle John resigns himself to the inevitable 
and suffers himself to be led back.] 

Richard [Rises. He is puzzled and beginning to be 
a trifle suspicious]. Strikes me there's something 
fuzzy about all this. Can't you tell your own 
brother the truth? [Irene is still silent.] Come, 
come, speak out. How long has this been going on, 
I say? [Irene tries to ansiver, but again takes refuge 
in tears on Uncle John's shoulder.] Well, then, 
you seem to know something about it. I'd like to 
hear from you, sir. 

Uncle. Er — um — er Really, you know I 

ought to keep that appointment. 

Irene [Throws both arms about his neck]. Uncle 
John! 

Uncle. Oh, very well. [To Irene]: Do you 
want me to tell Dick all about it? [Irene nods.] 
Well, then, here goes, and why in — well, why the — 
er — well, why I was ever fool enough to come east 
of Omaha, I'm hanged if I can tell. 

Richard [Impatiently]. Well, well! 
[103] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. The truth is that Stuart is not precisely 
the rufl&an that we have perhaps allowed you to 
think. 

Richard. Perhaps! Ha! 

Uncle. Er — yes — as a matter of fact, it's just 
possible he never beat Irene at all. 

Richard. What! 

Uncle [Hedging a bit]. Er — well, not more than 
once, at all events. You must make allowances for 
him. You see, as I understand it, he came home 
in a great hurry and possibly he had taken a cocktail 
or two and it had gone to his head and dinner was late 
and that irritated him. So he picked up a stick — a 
big stick — where is that stick? — and was flourishing 
it around and it may have been entirely an accident 
that he struck Irene a blow. So 

Irene [Who has been listening to this elaborate fairy 
tale with growing amazement now breaks in indignantly 
her tears all forgotten]. Why, Uncle John, how can 
you? 

Uncle. Eh? 

Irene. You know perfectly well that Stuart never 
struck me in his life! 

Richard. Well, I'll be ! 

Irene [Getting angrier and angrier]. The idea of 
[104] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



your standing there and telling such a terrible story 
right under my very nose, too ! 

Uncle [Throwing up his hands]. Never again! 
Never again! 

Irene. When you know he's always been just the 
kindest, dearest, sweetest old thing that ever was in 
all this 

Richard [To Irene]. Then, perhaps you'll be 
kind enough to tell me why you've been making these 
very same charges yourself? 

Irene [Helplessly]. 'Eh? What did you say? 

Richard [Getting more angry every moment]. I 
say, then, perhaps you'll explain why you said these 
very same things about Stuart? 

[Glares at her. She feebly tries to answer but 
fails, and once more bursts into tears, turning 
to Uncle John and burying her face on his 
shoulder.] 

Uncle [Pets her a moment, then puts her aside and 
approaches the indignant Richard]. Er — suppose 
we sit down. 

Richard [Shouting]. I won't sit down! [Does so, 
however.] 

Uncle. Oh, very well. The fact is that poor old 
Stuart is as innocent as a baby. 
[105] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. You say so now, eh? 

Uncle. Certainly! 

Richard. Then possibly you can explain that 
cock-and-bull story you were telling just now. 

Irene [Rising. To Uncle John indignantly]. 
Yes, indeed. 

Uncle [Affecting indignation]. Cock-and-bull 
story, sir! 

Richard. Yes, cock-and-bull story — cocktails, 
late for dinner, flourishing stick, and so on. 

Uncle. Oh — er — well — er [Looking at his 

watch.] Dear me! But I really ought to keep that 
appointment. 

Irene. Oh, please. Uncle John! 

Uncle. No — no — I wasn't really going. [He is 
resigned to his fate.] 

Richard. Well, speak up, sir! 

Uncle. Irene, I really wish you would 

[Irene takes refuge in tears again.] Oh, all right, all 
right, I'll attend to it. Well, then, this is how it 
happened. Irene had cause to think that a certain 
young woman was paying too much attention to 
Stuart. Am I right, Irene? [Irene nods.] Nat- 
urally, she didn't wish to say anything to Stuart 
about it» 

[106] 



HER HUSBAND*S WIFE 



Richard. Why not? 

Uncle. Oh, my dear boy, think of the blow to her 
pride. Well, it occurred to her that one way to dis- 
courage the young woman would be to give Stuart 
a black eye 

Irene. Oh, Uncle John! 

Richard. Eh? 

Uncle. In the young woman's estimation. This 
plan she followed. 

Richard. Well, of all the 

Uncle. Mark you, I don't say that it was pre- 
cisely a stroke of genius. But, at any rate, that was 
what occurred. 

Richard. W^ell, I'll be 

Irene [Threatening tears again]. Oh, Dick, please 
— please! I just can't stand it! I can't — I can't! 

Uncle. So now it's all perfectly clear, isn't it? 

Irene. Yes, perfectly. 

Richard. Yes, I suppose so, but [Struck 

by an idea.] What the mischief did she tell Miss 
Ladew about it? That's what caused all the row. 

[Uncle John and Irene exchange looks of dis- 
may.] 

Uncle [Appealingly]. Irene, I wish that you 

could see your way clear to 

[107] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene [Near collapse again]. No! No! I won't 
say a word — not a word. 

Richard [Impatiently]. Confound it 

Uncle. Now, wait a bit. In view of — er — 
certain circumstances confoundedly beyond my con- 
trol I'd much rather not answer your last question. 

Richard. I insist! 

Uncle. Positively? 

Richard. Absolutely! 

Uncle. Very well. She told Miss Ladew be- 
cause Miss Ladew was the young woman involved! 

Richard. What! 

Uncle. That's right. 

Richard. You're crazy! 

Uncle. Ask Irene. 

[Richard looks at Irene. She turns hastily 
away.] 

Richard. What nonsense ! Why, you both told 
me that she was engaged. 

Uncle. So we did. 

Richard. And she told me so herself. 

Uncle. That's all right. She is engaged. She 
is engaged to Stuart. 

Richard. What! 

[Outraged beyond all limits of endurance, sink- 
[108] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



ing on the settee. Irene, unable to endure any 
more, rushes into her room again, slamming 
the door after her and locking it.] 

Richard. Are you crazy, or am I? Engaged 

to Stuart — Miss Ladew! Upon my soul, I 

[Turns away struggling with the tendency to hysterical 
laughter.] 

Uncle. Wait a bit, Dick. Come here. Did 
you ever hear of a hypochondriac? 

Richard. Yes, but just now I can't think what 
it is. 

Uncle. A hypochondriac is a person who thinks 
he's ill when he isn't. He's usually a woman. 

Richard. Well, what do I care 

Uncle. Hsh! Listen! Irene is a hypochondriac. 

Richard. Eh? How dare she? 

Uncle. Will you listen to me? She was con- 
vinced that she hadn't long to live. She thought 
nothing of herself. Her care was all for Stuart. 
She wanted to provide for his future. She wanted 
to make sure that after she was gone he would marry 
some good woman who would be kind to him. 

Richard. Good heavens! 

Uncle. And she chose Miss Ladew. 

Richard. Well, I'll be 

[109] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. Naturally Miss Ladew was not delighted, 
but for reasons of her own she pretended to fall in 
with the scheme. Maybe you, being more or less of 
a conceited ass, can guess what those reasons were. 

Richard [Pluming himself a bit and laughing]. 
Ah — er — well, it's the limit! 

Uncle [Laughing]. Need I go further? 

Richard. You can't. It's the limit. 

Uncle. When Miss Ladew turned out more at- 
tractive than she at first had seemed, and trained her 
guns on Stuart, it didn't look good to our little Irene. 
Then she started to frighten the other woman out 
of it — and there you are. 

Richard. Hm! Well, it strikes me I'd better 
have a few words with Miss Ladew. There are — er 
— one or two matters that need straightening out. 
Ha! ha! ha! Uncle John, you just tell her it'll be all 
right, will you? 

[They go out in the hall laughing boisterously. 
After pause Stuart enters through the French 
window, chuckling to himself.] 

Uncle J. enters from the hall. 



Uncle. Stuart, what's the matter? 
Stuart. I've seen Miss Ladew. 
[1101 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. 0-ho ! 

Stuart. What a notion! Poor little Irene! 

Uncle. So she told you? 

Stuart. Yes — how the mischief could Irene 
have thought such a thing? 

Uncle. What — thought what? 

Stuart. Why, that I was flirting with Miss 
Ladew? Why, I never saw the woman till three 
days ago. 

Uncle. So she told you that ? 

Stuart. Yes — wasn't it true? It accounts for 
everything. 

Uncle. Did Miss Ladew say anything to you 
about being engaged? 

Stuart. Engaged? No! Is she engaged? 

Uncle. So I understand. 

Stuart. All right. I don't care if she's fifty 
times engaged. What I want, is to see Irene. [Rises 
and goes to her door.] 

Uncle. Now, my boy, don't be hasty. 

Stuart. Tut! Tut! You leave it to me. Poor 
little girl ! She can't be quite right, you know — 
just leave it to me. Just you get her out and then 
you go away. Come back in a few minutes. Just 
you leave her to me. 

[Ill] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle. I don't know about that. What are you 
going to do? 

Stuart. Do! I'm going to break her down. 

Uncle. Break her down! 

Stuart. What she needs is a lesson. 

Uncle. I know. But I'm afraid you're a rotten 
bad teacher. 

Stuart. See here. I've seen Miss Ladew and 
I've found that I'm a horrible monster — [amiably] 
— now, naturally it's a good deal of a shock to me. 

Uncle. Naturally. 

Stuart. Well, you old practical joker, you 
weren't much help to me, you know. 

Uncle [Nervously]. Er — I scarcely think we'd 
better go into that. 

Stuart. No — I shouldn't think you would. 
However, now that I understand I'll pass over that. 
But, so far as Irene is concerned, I'm a horrible 
brute. I get drunk and come home and beat her up 
without knowing it, d'ye see? Now, if I can get her 
to think that I really believe all these disgusting 
things about myself, eh 

Uncle [Comprehending]. Oh! Ha! Ha! 

Stuart. You see! I'm a ruffian. She said so 
herself. I'm the human limit, and my only defence 
[1121 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



is that, on account of the liquor, I didn't know it. 
I'm going to pretend to throw myself on her mercy. 
You've never seen anybody grovel the way I will, 
and as sure as I am alive in five minutes I'll have her 
weeping in my arms and telling me all about it. 

Uncle [Dubiously]. Hm! It sounds promising. 

Stuart. It's a cinch! Come now, just you get 
her out. 

Uncle. All right, all right, but if it doesn't 
work 

Stuart. Work! You don't know anything about 
women. 

Uncle. No, my dear fellow. Nobody does! 

Stuart. Work! Of course it will work. Leave 
her to me. I'll handle her with gloves, believe 
me. 

Uncle. All right, all right, but if it shouldnH 
work, don't blame me. [At Irene's door.] Irene, 
dear, I want to see you. 

[Stuart steps out on the veranda. 
It's all right. Dick has gone away. 

[The door opens and Irene appears. 
Come, dear, it's all right. 

[He takes her hand and leads her out. Stuart 
comes back into the room.] 
[113] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene [Still tearful]. Oh, Uncle John, I don't 

know what to do. I don't know what to say. I 

[Irene sees Stuart and stops short, betiveen 
going and staying.] 
Stuart [Now very lugubrious and perfectly formal]. 
Don't go, I beg of you. [To Uncle J., sotto voce.] 
Get out. 

[Uncle J. exits through the French window. 
I wish to speak to you a moment. Won't you sit 
down? 

[Irene sits timidly on chair L. of piano, 
crushing a tear-stained handkerchief in her 
hands.] 
Do not be alarmed. There is no occasion for alarm. 
I have not been drinking. I am quite master of my- 
self. I can only regret that you thought it neces- 
sary to bar your door against me, and yet after 
what had occurred it was perhaps — [he chokes up 
with emotion, then collects himself] — perhaps it was 
only natural. 

Irene [Scarcely able to articulate]. Wha — what do 
you mean? 

Stuart [Sadly]. And yet you must know that it 
would never have happened if it hadn't been — for 
the drink. 

[114] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Eh? 

Stuart [Appealing]. You do believe that, don't 
you? Tell me you do. It will always be a comfort 
to me to know that you believe that. 

Irene. Oh ! [Scarcely able to keep from bursting 
into tears.] 

Stuart. Poor little arm! [Takes it and look at 
the black and blue mark.] Poor little girl! What a 
brute I was! 

Irene [Feebly]. Oh — no, you weren't, S — 
Stuart. You know 

Stuart [Interrupting her]. Ah, it's sweet of you 
to say that — so sweet — I shall always love to re- 
member it. But I know now the terrible things I 
did. Of course, I don't remember them at all. It 
was the drink — the cursed drink ! 

[Uncle J. enters at back. Stuart waves him 
out and he goes out again unobserved by 
Irene.] 

Irene. Oh — oh — Stuart dear, I can't bear it! 
I 

Stuart. There! There! I'm a brute to distress 

you so. And to think of your poor little Choco — 

dead — and poisoned by me ! And I never knew it ! 

And you suffered it tall in silence — never reproached 

1 115 1 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



me once — never uttered a word of complaint — 
yet more — ^you even lied for me to keep people from 
knowing the awful truth ! 

Irene. Lied for you? 

Stuart. Yes — told people that poor Choco was 
killed by a trolley car when all the time I had — 
poisoned — him. 

Irene. Oh, I can't stand this. I 

Stuart. Well, that's all over. It was the drink 
— the accursed drink! I didn't understand — I 
didn't know. I thought it wasn't anything so very 
awful to have a few sociable ones with the boys, and 
all this time I was coming home to you — to my dear 
little wife — and doing these unspeakable things! 
[Covers his face with his hands.] It makes me shud- 
der to think what horrible crimes I may have com- 
mitted and never have known it! 

Irene. Oh! Oh! 

Stuart. There — there! I didn't mean to make 
you cry. God knows you've had enough to bear 
from me! What I want now is to make the rest just 
as easy for you as I can. 

Irene. The — the rest.^ 

Stuart. Yes. [Solemnly.] That shall be my 
atonement. 

[116] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Wh — what do you mean? 

Stuart. I mean — the divorce. 

Irene [Rises]. The d-d-divorce? 

Stuart. Of course — nothing else is possible. 

Irene. Wha — what are you t- talking about? 

Stuart. Ah, it's just like your sweet nature — 
it's just like you. 

Irene. You mean to — to — to divorce me? 

Stuart. Of course not. You shall divorce 
me. 

Irene. Oh! Oh! 

Stuart. But it won't be difficult. You can go 
to Nevada. Of course you'll have to live in Reno 
a year. But we'll make it as easy for you as we 
can. You won't be lonely. And you'll find plenty 
of society there. There's a first-class hotel sustained 
entirely by New Yorkers who are hunting divorces. 
Oh, the time will pass quickly enough. The year 
will be up before you know 

Irene [Slowly going to him]. But I don't want a 
divorce! I won't have a divorce! 

Stuart. Ah, but I insist. 

Irene. You 

Stuart. I must protect you in spite of yourself. 
How can you go on living with a brute who comes 
[1171 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



home and beats you and never knows it? [She is 
baffled.] The situation is impossible. 

Irene [Struck by an idea, suspiciously]. So, then, 
you insist on a divorce? 

Stuart. For your own good I do. 

Irene [Coldly]. Ah! I see! And you're quite 
sure that it's all on my account. 

Stuart. Why, of course! [Begins to fear that 
his scheme may not be working so welly after all.] 

Irene. Hm ! There may be more than one way 
of looking at that. 

Stuart [Flustered]. I — I don't quite follow you. 

Irene [Slowly to Stuart]. She happened to be 
driving by! [Goes to her door. 

Stuart [Bewildered]. Eh? What? 

Irene [Opens her door]. Wouldn't it be kind of 
me if I were to get a divorce, eh? Wouldn't it be 
obliging of me to set you free, eh? I suppose you 
think you're awfully clever, and I'm so stupid I can't 
see your game. But you'll find I'm not so stupid as 
you think. Divorce you ! I should think not ! Not I ! 
Not in a thousand years! And you canH divorce 
me! You've no cause! And to think you supposed 
you could hoodwink me as easily as that — you and 
that woman! You'll see! 

[118] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Stuart. What woman? 

Irene [Just about to close door^ but opening quickly 
for the ''last word'\] What woman? Ha! What 
woman? She'll hear from me, too. Don't you 
think she won't, either ! 

[Goes into her room and slams door — locks it, 

Stuart. Good God! Emily Ladew! 

Uncle J. [Coming in from the veranda]. Did it 
work? 

Stuart. Bah! 

Uncle. Oh, it didn't work. 

Stuart. Oh, you 

Uncle. You will please to note that I refrain 
from saying — I told you so. 

Stuart. Very kind of you, I'm sure. 

Uncle. If you knew what it cost me Well, 

have a drink and forget it. 

Stuart [Struck by an idea]. Do you know — I 
think that's a good idea. 

Uncle. Of course it is. 

Stuart. A first-class idea. 

Uncle. Well, I'm waiting to hear how the great 
scheme fell through. 

Stuart [Drinks]. Oh! Are you? 

Uncle. I am. I deserve that much reward at least. 
[119] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Stuart [Filling his glass again]. Well, you'll 
never find out from me. [Drinks.] 

Uncle. See here, my boy. I said have a drink 
— not all the drinks. 

Stuart. Pshaw! You seem to forget that I*m a 
dipsomaniac. [Drinks.] 

Uncle. Nonsense! 

Stuart. Yes, sir, that's what they all say. [Drinks 
again.] 

Uncle [Getting worried]. But, my dear chap, of 
course, you and I know that's absurd. 

Stuart [Drinks again]. Oh, I don't know. Dip- 
somaniac, eh.^ I'll show 'em. You'll see. 

Uncle [Trying to stop him]. But, my dear 
Stuart, really if I were you I wouldn't do quite so 
much of that sort of thing. Really, I 

Stuart. Oh, you wouldn't, eh.^ Well, I don't 
know that I value your advice so awfully highly. 
And see here, don't you forget that I've got a reputa- 
tion to live up to. [Drinks the last of the whiskey.] 

Uncle. Er — come, now, my dear boy, do be 
reasonable. 

Stuart. Reasonable! Ha! [Takes up decanter, 
finds it empty.] Reasonable! Well — empty! Well, 
I know where there's more, all right. [Starts up.] 
f 1201 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Uncle [Follows him in trepidation]. Stuart, my 
dear fellow, really now, I do so hope you're not going 
to do anything rash. 

Stuart. Rash! Eh? Rash! You'll see. [Strides 
off through the French window, followed by Uncle J.] 
Uncle. I say now, upon my word ! 

[Follows him in great agitation. As they go out, 
Irene enters arranging her hat.] 
Irene. I'll just go now and see what Dick has to 
say about this. 

[Turns to go, sees Stuart's photo on piano, 
knocks it down as she passes and goes out 
into the hall. Uncle J. reenters from the 
veranda and taps on Irene's door.] 
Uncle. Irene, it's your Uncle John. Irene! 
[No answer. He opens door, sees room empty, 
closes door. Nora enters.] 

Why, where the deuce [Sees Nora.] Oh, 

Nora, did you happen to meet any one in the hall 
just now? 

Nora. Yes, sir. Mrs. Randolph. 
Uncle. Where was she going? 
Nora. To see Mr. Richard, I think, sir. 
Uncle. Nora, you told me when I came here I'd 
see things. [Dryly.] Well, I'm seeing them. 
[121] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



[He goes into the hall, followed by Nora. Enter 
from the veranda Richard and Miss Ladew, 
both in evening dress.] 

Richard. My dearest girl, I'm sure it's going 
to be quite all right. 

Miss Ladew. I'm not so sure of that. 

Richard [They both sit]. Why, I've heard her 
say myself that you were her dearest friend. 

Miss Ladew. My dear Richard, do you think 
that means anything? 

Richard. Eh? 

Miss Ladew. Between women? 

Richard. Oh ! Say now 

Miss Ladew. I've had at least half a dozen dear- 
est friends, and I hate 'em all like poison. 

Richard. Well, anyhow, we've got to take the 
chance. I've got you again and I'm not going to 
give you up for a hundred sisters. 

Miss Ladew. I'm a hundred to one shot. 

Richard. Precisely. By the way, have you still 
got that ring you took off in Geneva? 

Miss Ladew. Ha! Ha! Yes, I've still got it. 

Richard. Well, suppose you put it on again, eh? 

Miss Ladew. At the earliest opportunity. 

Richard. That's a dear. [Puts his arm around 
[122] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



her.] Do you know there's something about you 
that I Uke? 

Miss Ladew. Fancy that, now, and what's 
that? 

Enter Uncle John at rear. 

BiCHARD [Embracing]. My arms. 

[Emily sees Uncle J., and Richard turns. 
They are hand in hand.] 
Uncle John, we're engaged! 
Uncle. Well, I hope so. 

Richard. Ha! Ha! Ha! Where's Irene? We 
want to tell her. 

Uncle. I've no idea. She's not in her room. I 
looked. [Opens door L. 1, then closes it.] 
Richard. That's odd. 

[Stuart 's voice is heard outside ^ singing some- 
what uncertainly: *'My bonnie lies over the 
ocean, my bonnie lies over the sea.'*] 
Miss Ladew. It's Stuart! 
Richard. Stewed! 

[Stuart comes unsteadily in from the veranda. 
Uncle. Stuart! 
Stuart. How d'you do? 
Miss Ladew. Oh, Lord! 
[123] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



[Stuart sees her, turns, removes his hat, and 
bows very politely.] 
Stuart. Ladies ! 

Richard. Second sight! [To Emily.] It will 
never do for Irene to see him like this. 

Miss Ladew. I'll go and watch out for her. 
This is no place for me. 

[Exits through French window. Stuart sits 
back of table.] 
Stuart. Nice day, what? 
Richard. Stuart, where did you get it? 
Stuart. That's it, I'm drunk. Haven't been 
drunk 'n years. 

Uncle. Oh! Don't say that. 
Stuart. I 'sure you. Pos'tively. 
Uncle. What? 

Stuart. Pos'tively. No, sir, not 'n years. To- 
day's the day, though, eh, what? 
Uncle. What the deuce '11 we do with him? 

[Richard goes out on the veranda and looks 
right and left to see if any one is coming.] 
Stuart. D'ye know. Uncle John, I was trying 
to think wha's the matter with me? Ev' been drunk 
Uncle John? 

Uncle. No, certainly not. That is — seldom. 
[124] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Stuart. Seldom? How of ten's that? 
Uncle. Well, that's not often. 

[Stuart starts to sing, ''My honnie lies over 
the ocean.'*'' Uncle J. stomps him by putting 
his hand over his mouth. The moment 
Uncle J. removes his hand, Stuart starts 
singing. This sort of thing happens tioo or 
three times.] 
Stuart. Uncle John, y'know I'm a very strong 
man. 

Uncle. Yes, yes, of course, of course. 
Stuart. Bet I c'd lift you 'th one han'. 
Uncle. No doubt! No doubt! 
Stuart. Dick, bet I c'n lif ' you an' Miss Ladew 
tied together 'th one han'. 

Richard [Anxiously]. Haven't a doubt of it, old 
fellow. 

Stuart. One hand, d'ye see? [Singing.] "My 

bonnie lies over the ocean, my " 

Richard and Uncle. Hsh! Hsh! You mustn't 
do that! 

Stuart [Beginning to weep]. Oh, I'm so mel'n- 
choly. 

[Uncle J. puts Stuart's hat on.] 
Oh — oh — oh — oh! Trouble. Got some big trouble. 
[125] 



HER HUSBAND'S WHE 



Can't think what 't is Wha's my trouble, 

Uncle John? 

Uncle. Here, come on, let's take him into his 
room. 

[As they take him toward doorL. 3 E, Stuart says:] 
Stuart. I don't want to go in my room. There's 
something about that wallpaper makes me seasick. 
[They force him through door, Richard re- 
mains on scene. Uncle J. exits with 
Stuart.] 
Richard [Relieved]. Oh Lord! 

Miss L. enters through window. 

Miss Ladew. Look out, I think she's coming! 
[Crash is heard in Stuart's room.] 

Richard. Gee! It's a close shave. I can't 
think what's come over him. Something must have 
happened. 

Miss Ladew. Something has happened to us, 
dear. [They embrace.] 

Irene enters from the hall. Stops short at 
seeing them, 

Irene. Oh ! 

Richard. My dear Sis, we're engaged. 
[126 1 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene [Coming to meet Miss L.]. Oh, you darling. 
[Embraces her.] 

Miss Ladew. Sure you don't mind? 

Irene [Delighted]. Mind? It's adorable! 

Miss Ladew. I feared you might think it dis- 
loyal to you after our — our little arrangements. 

Irene. Oh, no! No, I don't mind in the least. 
After all, a woman must follow her heart, I suppose. 

Miss Ladew. It's awfully good of you to take it 
that way. 

Irene. Nonsense, don't be silly. Where's 
Stuart? Have you seen him, Dick? 

Richard. No — o — o, I — I haven't. 

Irene. I rather want to see him. There are one 
or two little matters — he must be in his room. 

[Starts toward his door as Uncle J. enters and 
stops her. Richard and Miss L. speak as 
Irene goes toward door.] 

Richard and Miss L. No, no, you mustn't do that! 

Irene. What's the matter? 

Uncle. Now, you mustn't be alarmed. 

Irene. It's Stuart. Something's happened to 
him ! I'll go to him at once ! 

Uncle. Not for worlds! 

Irene. Eh? 

[ 127 1 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Richard. No, no, indeed, it's quite impossible. 

Irene. But why not, why not, I say? 

Uncle. Well, the fact is — you see he — he's 
not feeling quite himself. 

Irene. What do you mean? 

Uncle. Well, the truth is he — he*s ill. 

Irene. 111? Oh! 

Uncle. Yes — yes — doctor says he's evidently 
suffered some sort — er — er — severe mental shock. 

Irene. Oh, it's all my fault ! 

[Sinks on chair R. of table. Almost in tears, 
turns to Miss L. for comfort.] 

Miss Ladew. There, there, dear! You mustn't 
distress yourself. 

Uncle. The doctor has given him a sleeping 
powder. Says he's quite sure he'll be all right in 
the morning. They always are, but he positively 
must not be waked. 

Irene. Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. 
I'm going to take my things off, and then I'm going 
to sit right outside his door till he wakes. 

[Uncle J. whispers to Miss L. ; she then goes 
to the door of Irene's room, and opens it.] 

Richard. My dear Sis, you mustn't do that, 
you'll fag yourself all out. 

[128] 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene. Oh, no, I won't. I'm awfully strong, 
you know. 

[Irene and Miss L. go into Irene's room. 
As the door closes behind them, Stuart's voice 
is heard off, singing that his bonnie lies over 
th* ocean.] 
Richard. Good Lord, we can't leave him in there ! 
Uncle. By George, no! 
Richard. He'll give the whole snap away. 
Uncle. I have it. I'll take him to my room and 
lock him up. 

Richard. How the devil are you going to get 
him back again? 
Uncle. Eh? 

Richard. She's got to find him in his room in 
the morning. 

Uncle. Smuggle him through his bedroom win- 
dow when he's sobered up. 
Richard. Fine! 

[The two rush into Stuart's room and im- 
mediately emerge with him. He has on 
a bathrobe. As they enter with Stuart, he 
speaks.] 
Stuart. Hello, Little Sunshine. 
Uncle. Come along now, old chap. 
[129] 



HER HUSBAND*S WIFE 



Stuart [Protesting]. I don' want to come along. 
Richard. There, there, there, it'll be all right! 
Stuart. Want to go to bed — I'm awful tired. 
Uncle. We'll all go to bed. 

[Taking Stuart toward door into the hall.] 
Stuart. D'you mean it? 
Uncle. Certainly, certainly! 
Richard. Of course, of course! 
Stuart. Sure you're not foolin'? 
Uncle. No, no, no! 
Stuart. All right then. I hate foolin'. 

[Cuckoo appears from the clock and begins to 
call. As the bird starts calling, Stuart 
lunges at it; is stopped by Richard and 
Uncle J.] 
Stuart. Uncle John, I'll kill that damn bird. 

[Uncle J. picks Stuart up and carries him 

off. Richard remains on scene.] 
Richard [As the other two go out.] Don't for- 
get to lock him in. 

Miss L. and Irene enter from Irene's room. 

Miss Ladew. Now, dear, you really mustn't 
worry about him; he's sure to be all right — eh, 
Dick? 

[ 130 1 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Irene [Anxiously]. Oh, do you think so, Dick? 

Richard. Certainly; no doubt of it at all. 

Irene. He must! He must"! If anything hap- 
pened to him I should never forgive myself. 

Miss Ladew. Nonsense! I can't see how you're 
to blame. 

Irene. No, you wouldn't. 

Uncle John enters 

Irene. Oh, Uncle John, Uncle John! 

Uncle. Oh, it's all right. Seen lots of cases just 
like it. Had one myself once. 

Miss Ladew. You? 

Uncle [Gallantly]. Long ago, when I knew your 
charming mother. [Irene replaces the photograph of 
Stuart she had previously knocked over.] 

Uncle [Aside to Rick ard]. You go get your din- 
ner, then come back and let me go. It would never 
do to let her enter that room. 

Richard. Well, Emily and I must be running along. 
By-by, Sis, and remember you are not to worry. 

Irene. I'll try. 

Miss Ladew [To Irene]. After all, youWe the 

wife for him. 

Irene. Yes, dear, I think so, too. 
[ 131 1 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



Miss Ladew. And, you see, I'm going to be 
in the family anyhow. 

Richard [As he and Miss L. go up]. I'll look 
in later. Ta, ta, Uncle John. 

Miss Ladew. Good-night, dear Uncle John. 

[They go out through French windows. By this 
time the summer night is closing in. The 
sunset seen through the windows has almost 
faded, and the room is growing shadowy.] 
Irene [Turns the switch that lights the chandelier, 
then goes to R. of piano, picks up her work-bas- 
ket.] You needn't stay, Uncle John. 

Uncle [Seated L. of table]. Catch me deserting 
you at a time like this! 

[Irene goes io chair L. of piano, sits, and 
commences to sew. Enter Nora with silver 
tray containing Irene's medicine.] 
Nora. It's the hour for the green medicine, 
ma'am ! 

Irene. Take it away 

Nora. Ma'am! 
Irene. And throw it away. 
Nora. Very well, ma'am. And the red medi- 
cine? 

Irene. Yes, throw away all the medicines and 
f 132 1 



HER HUSBAND'S WIFE 



powders. I shall not require them now, or at any 
future time. 

[With a wondering look, Nora goes out. 
Uncle John gets up, wanders out on the 
veranda to sniff the air. Irene rises and 
tries to sneak to Stuart's door, but he 
heads her off]. 
Irene [Pleadingly]. I'd love to see him — ^just for 
a moment. 

Uncle. Oh, it wouldn't do at all. The slightest 
noise might wake him. 

Irene [Appealingly]. You're sure he isn't going 
to die? 

Uncle. Die? Nonsense! There isn't a chance. 
Irene [Returns to her chair and takes up her work 
again]. After all — [with a sigh of relief] — she only 
happened to be driving by. 

Uncle. I never thought anything else. 
lREi<iE [Listening]. Sh! Dear boy! How quietly 
he sleeps! 

very slow curtain. 



[133] 



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THE COUNTRY LIFE PRESS 
GARDEN CITY, N. Y. 



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